Friday, February 26, 2010

email from the BM to husband

i am no longer attending conferences with you..just thought you should know. It's is my job to co-parent with you not you and (stepmom). I have already told you that having her there over steps the lines of what her role is. I tried it once and am not willing to do it again. Since you will not respect me as the mother then this is what is going to happen. BM

Sooooooo yeah - about that whole thing where I write her an email and try to make peace? [see yesterday's 2nd post] I don't think that it would be successful. We attended conferences together in the fall and I thought that things went okay. We all participated, and while BM didn't say anything to me, there was no drama and we were all able to participate.

Here's the problem with her "decision": conferences are next week. She tried to pull the same crap last year and the teacher's rejected her request since these are student-led conferences and the teachers don't have time to do two conferences per kid. Way to plan ahead BM. Nice work. I even asked the girls if it was okay with them if I attended and told them why I was excited to participate. They both said that they were fine with me being there. While the husband doesn't think that I needed to ask them, I thought it would be a good idea and a sign to them that I respect them and their choices. Yes, I would have been crushed if they had said "No," but I wanted to at least have their permission in case BM came back with the assertion that the kids didn't want me there anyways.

Gosh and don't get me started about how I am "over step the lines of what (my) role is." First off -- it doesn't make sense the way she typed it, but whatever. You can't fault someone with her intelligence level. *sigh* Okay - enough with the cattiness. Ummmm I thought that my role was to love the kids, take care of them, provide for them emotionally, physically, help them with homework etc. And then I don't get to attend conferences? Are you kidding me? I do more for them than she ever has. I read to them every night (something that never happened when they were little). I've turned our house into a 'no TV zone' since I know that they watch a TON with her. E's teacher was impressed by how strong she started off the school year, considering that it's taken her until after winter break to get into the groove in previous school years... I wonder what the difference could be? Could it be the kick-butt woman in her life? The one who signed her up for soccer, reads to her each night, expects the most from her? Eh - probably not. It must be something BM is doing.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

the dark side....

In response to: http://labellemereuk.blogspot.com/2010/02/going-over-to-darkside.html

Wow.. after an evening at a school play feeling like an outside (again), this post is making me think... I think that I like to make excuses as to why this could never happen for me. Is it possible? Is there hope for peace? I totally agree with the author that life would be less stressful and easier if there was peace. But really? How? Write an email? Send a letter? I don't even know how to begin. That first step seems like stepping into hot lava.

Part of me wants to act like a child around this, "Why should I have to take the first step? Why can't she?" But that will never get us anywhere. But the risk involved feels too great. I already have massive anxiety surrounding rejection whenever the kids are with her -- do I really want to compound this by making myself even more vulnerable to her (the evil one who I hate)? My mature, Master's in clinical psychology side says to take the risk: write an email. Invite her for a drink. But god - I would so rather drink a glass of poison.

And if it works? What if she isn't as evil and terrible as I think she is? What if everything changes (again)? What if.... nothing changes? I feel like I am waiting for something to happen to signal that it's the right time to approach the beast. The wedding happened <1 week ago, and she's still freaked about that... so waiting a bit would be good (but am I now just making up more excuses)?

I know what the books say. I've read "No One's The Bitch," while agreeing with what they had to say, but at the same time thinking that my situation is soooooo different (it's probably not). *sigh* I don't know what to do around this. I'm so into my story of being the harding-working step-mom who has to pick up the slack of the bio-mom. It's a badge of courage almost - to be helping the kids when their mother fails. And if she's not that bad... then am I not this good?

picked last

Arg. Another situation where it is made clear that I am the outsider. M had her school play tonight, and BM is there (it's her night with the kids). I get cranky anytime that I have to be in the same room as her - I'm edgy and snappy the entire 24 hours prior to any type of meeting. She's the proof, the embodiment of what I am not. I am not their mother. Doesn't matter if I'm a better educator, more consistent, more reliable and a better provider - none of it matters when she is in the room. It's like I disappear. No matter that I might have soothed one of the kids the night before, SHE'S number one. I feel resentful. Part of me want to get grumpy with the kids for ignoring me, but I know that they (mostly E) are aware that their mom is threatened by me. I know that they are just protecting her. But I'm still pissed and hurt. Suddenly because she's around I become a non-human? I feel like I can't feel let down or disappointed, because of course they will choose their mom. So I don't get feelings. I can't share with them that it's hard sometimes or that my feelings were hurt. And I know it wouldn't be fair to tell them either, since they are torn in too. Sometimes I just want to be chosen.

Sorry that this is rambling and I'm sorry if I come off like a bitch. Really not meaning to. It just sucks to get picked last.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

wedding!



The wedding was amazing. Everything went wonderfully and the kids had a great time. Now I'm trying to be patient and wait for all of the pictures to come back from the photographer. She sent us a sneak peak last night though. This is one of my favorites!

SD10 even came home last night and yelled into the house, "Hello step-mom!"

I couldn't be happier. Now I'm just looking forward to cleaning the house and getting our lives back in order.

Monday, February 15, 2010

more often

So I really am going to try to write more. At least it gets the icky thoughts out of my head. That's important these days.

While the husband and I are legally married already (shhh don't tell the kids, the BM, or either of our parents), our wedding is this Saturday. I'm finally really excited about it, as are the kids. It will be nice to finally have this all done and we can move on with our lives. Weddings are fun, but they take up a lot of mental energy. I'm excited to have all of that brain space back.

BM is trying to be the center of attention this week. Nice try. Not going to work dearest. We know what you're up to and we're not going to put up with it anymore. Enough is enough. You evil, mean person. Gosh, I feel like a middle-schooler again. Wanting to scream, "I win! Now leave us alone!" right into her face. *sigh* But I guess I'm an adult now, so such behavior is strictly prohibited. Doesn't mean that it wouldn't feel amazing to do.

I've bought each of the kids scrapbooks and written them letters that will go on the first page. Once we get the wedding pictures back, I'll take some time with each kid and complete them. They're only 10 pages each and they will be mostly pictures. But I want them to have something that's theirs after this is all over. I know that the letters will mean something different to each of them, and I hope that the meaning changes as they grow older. They are such special and unique kids. I'm so lucky to have them in my life.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

suggestions needed

Looking for suggestions: wanting to get something nice for my stepkids for the wedding? I want to get them something special. The girls wear necklaces, but tend to lose them... and that wouldn't work for E. I know that I want to write each of them a letter (SS7's will probably wait until much later for him to read), maybe write a letter and frame it along with a picture of us from the wedding... agg! I usually wait to buy gifts until I get inspired, but I'm running out of time. Ideas?

I thankfully have great relationships with all of them, so that makes the buying easier.