gratitude

Thank you, honestly. To each and every one of you for commenting. I cannot imagine how much it means to me. Today feels a little better than yesterday. Because of your encouragement, I am going to the Open House tonight. I'm going to hug the kids and tell them that I love them. Because they are what matters.

i feel like i am right on the edge. i don't know what to do. i feel like i'm not understood. apparently i'm throwing a pitty party too.

after last week's mess (BM having a sit down with husband, apparently the two older ones "told" her that they think their dad loves me more than them and that i'm mean and criticism them too much) it just keeps on coming. SD10 is having serious anxiety issues right now, and i'm working with her in a workbook for kids. she tells me that her mom says she doesn't like me, doesn't like me being her step-mom and that they aren't allowed to talk about me in their house. i just listened. while i boiled inside.

i got upset, told husband that i don't want to go to the school's open house tomorrow, i don't even want to be near her. it's so unfair (yes yes i know, life's not fair), so vilifying, totally undermining everything that i do for these kids. so backwards and hurtful. most people would say to ignore it - but it's hard when you love these little people so much and you see someone poisoning them with hate. i have never spoken out of turn about BM in front of them. i have made a lot of mistakes, but i have never done that. i always ask about their time with her, listen to tell describe how their mom told them she doesn't have money. get excited with them when they share that they are getting bunk beds at her house.

maybe someone reading this will understand why it hurts so much. i can't brush it off. i can't let it go. it hurts so much. because i can't defend myself. i can't talk with the kids about what their mother says and why it might hurt me. they love her and are loyal to her. i understand that. but to feel so defenseless. that's the right word. DEFENSELESS. like my back is against a wall, i'm trapped. like i can see the solution but it's not within my reach.

the worst? when i told husband what SD10 said, he didn't believe that BM would do that. he said that he'd confronted her about it and she denied it - so SD10 must be making it up... or something. i couldn't believe it. she lies all the fucking time. he said he even asked her about it when they had their in-person talk last week. she said she has never told the kids that she doesn't like me. lie. lie lie. i got so upset last night. he emailed her again today and confronted her about it. she denied it again and then went off on him. only because of her attack on him did he actually believe that SD10 was telling the truth.

i can't go to the open house tomorrow. i'm too hurt. defeated. crushed. but i'm so sad, depressed, in tears because i will miss seeing the kids rooms, listening to them sing their songs and just miss out. the thought of being there is so anxiety producing, but the thought of missing it hurts like nothing i could have ever imagined. it's like i can't breathe. they are my world. i cannot imagine my life without them. i don't have bio-kids, but they say that you can love them ever more -- i don't think my heart could stand it. i can't imagine loving little people more than i love these three. but i can't continue to be beaten down. it's hard to keep my head up when i can sense the hate from her. when i see them pull back or start to say something that shows they see their mom in her true light.

i just wish i could tell them. that it hurts. that i don't think it's fair. that i wish someone would stand up for me to their mom. but they can't do that - they shouldn't have to. if BM denies it - how do you get around it? should i just get over it? should i ignore it? something about this hurts way too much to be able to brush it aside. i can feel this cold, aching depression sinking in on me. it's like a ton of bricks sitting my chest. suffocating me. crushing every bit of energy out of me. i don't know how to move out from under it. it's like i said above: i'm trapped under this feeling. i don't see any way of getting around it. i don't know how to repair this tear in my heart. nothing in my psychology training has trained me for this. i can help SD10 with her anxiety, ask the right questions and guide her to feel better. but this? this is insane.

i don't WANT to leave. i don't WANT to give up on this marriage. i don't WANT to give up on the kids. i'm here because i want to be. this is where i belong. i know that. i just don't know how to get out of this corner.

i started Stepmonster last night, at the suggestion of many of you. it's amazing. but hard to read. it's like a voice is shouting from a megaphone: "you're not crazy! these things are happening to you! stick with it!" and while that's helpful... i'm not unstuck.

husband is not getting me at all right now. i ordered him his own copy of the book. let's see if he actually reads it. it's like, as all of this comes to a head, he's suddenly lost any sense of what i'm going through. telling me to calm down. that i'm having a pity party. are you kidding me? i keep telling him that he has no idea what it's like for me, and he insists that he does. seriously? something is seriously wrong here, because he doesn't have a clue.

i need him to do something. call her on her shit. go get some counseling with her. because things are not working. at all. she's poisoning them. i want to scream at her "what the hell are you doing?! you think this is a good idea?!" and i can't do anything. i can't stop it. i won't be able to stop the eventual realization that they all have about her either. i can't save them, i can't rescue them. their parents made terribly shitty choices with their lives and these three have to pay for it.

and i can't explain this to the kids. i can't tell them why i am so sad. i can't be authentic with them, which is what i always prided myself in being. i answer the tough questions. i talk about sex, drugs and alcohol when they ask. i don't shy away from the messy things. but i have stayed clear of undermining their mom. it's like this line that i cannot cross. no matter how much i want to.

husband has stormed out of the house - again. awesome. i suggested to him that she was still controlling him and he didn't like that. but it's true - he's afraid of her. he says he can't do anything. he says that he's defended me. he says he'll make an appointment with a mediator and change the child support settlement. he doesn't he won't. we'll keep paying her too much in child support, while she works less than 40 hours a week. she'll continue to bash me in front of the kids.

blech. this sucks.

let's see

So let's see how far this post goes. I won't go into the background... at least not now. I can't. But it's brought a lot of truths about being a step-parent to the harsh light of day.

-No one understands. Period.
-I will never be able to tell my step-kids about the things that I gave up. I will never bring my first-born home to a house with just me and the husband. I will never stop explaining who belongs to who etc. I know that they are kids, but sometimes I wish I could just tell them how hard this is.
-I always thought (and I tell the kids this) that if you work hard enough and do your best, you can reach the top. Not so with step-parenting. You will never reach the top. It will never be good enough. You are constantly being judge. You cannot make mistakes.
-It's so tempting to give up. To throw your hands in the air and say "Enough!" If I am making you so unhappy and being too hard on you then I will stop. I will stop asking you to show my your tests from school (and going through the ones you missed with you). I will stop checking your backpack for notices from school that you might have forgotten to give us (because we all know that your dad won't check). I won't tell you "No" when you ask if you can watch TV - I'll just turn it on whenever you want, regardless of whether you are far below grade level at school or not. I won't have high expectations of you. I will be happy with whatever grades you come home with. I guess that means I Will stop being invested.

Now, I realize that all of this isn't their fault. Actually NONE of this is their fault. They ARE just kids. But the hard part, is that I don't have an outlet for my frustrations and rantings (no matter how outrageous or mean they might be). It's just not okay to say. I wish I could tell them how much I love them and that I hate to see them hurt -- AND tell them that this wasn't my first choice either. That life doesn't always turn out how you imagined - but we'll make the best of it.

Arg, I feel like this post is going nowhere. It's like my parenting is being judged 24/7, I cannot make a mistake. Even if I apologize right away. For example (and I am so ashamed to even write this), last week about 20 minutes before the husband was going to drop the kids at BMs, they were driving me crazy. One was kneeling on the top of the couch, others bickering at eachother, and I said, "I really can't wait until you guys leave." *gulp* I know, I know. Terrible. Worst person ever. I apologized a few minutes later, saying that it wasn't an okay thing to say and explaining that I was frustrated and tired. Well... guess who it goes back it? Arg. I can't even apologize and keep things in this house......

Okay, sorry to the two people who will read this. I'm spent. I'm just lost right now.

other considerations

It's interesting how information seems to find you at the right time. While I continue to wrestle over what to do about my name, an interesting article pops up on my Google Reader: Take Your Husband's Name and Take a Salary Cut. In addition to some of the judgments that people make about women who either change or don't change their names, another point that I hadn't thoguht about was made:

"I'm interested to know more about the negative consequences of changing one's name and then "vanishing" from sources of past accomplishments that would otherwise be searchable on-line (what employer doesn't google their prospective applicant) or through other publications. In this case, the woman must either (a) continually cite her previous name to maintain the digital trail, or (b) accept that the advantages of having a digital trail may be lost."

Just more to consider. *sigh* Probably my favorite article on the subject is one from Salon. Of course, none of these articles discuss step-parents and the unique challenges and considerations we face.

the name game

I'm trying to decide what to do about my name. Specially, where my husband's name fits in.

*sigh* I've been wanting to write about this for a while on here, and try to get some ideas/support from other step-moms. My friends don't understand ("Either change your name or don't, I think you're over-thinking this"), my sister just thinks I should just change it ('cause that's what you do) and my husband wants me to change it.

First off, I like my last name. It works well with my first name and I'm used to writing it. It's the name that's on my BA and MA degrees and what I am known as professionally. It's on my credit cards, social security, driver's license, bank checks etc. It's also my identity - how I'm known in this world. Plus, BM still has the husband's last name. Barf.

On the other side of the argument are several other issues. I was once called the husband's ex-wife since we don't have the same last name and they assumed we were not married. Yes, something I can easily correct someone about, but still - annoying. I have to clarify who I am all the time: when I write checks for the kids' activities, sign up for field trips, sign them up for activities etc. I WANT to be associated with them (I'm sure that will change when they are all teenagers, but for now at least). I want to be a part of them, as much as I can be. And be being a ______ (last name here), it might feel more like it. Not that the kids ever make me feel like I'm not in the family, but for some reason this name thing keeps bugging me.

So initially, I thought I had it all figured out. I would keep my first name and last name, but change my middle name to my husband's. That way, I can use just my first and middle name at school with the kids but use my given name professionally. But now I'm not liking that. I'm almost leaning towards using two last names. Has anyone else out there done that? Not really hyphenating them, but doing it in more of a Latin-American way: First Name / Middle Name / Last Name / Husband's Last Name . But will that really fit on ANY form that I have to fill out?

Arg - on top of all this, I'm just frustrated that I can't figure it out. Why can't I make a decision about this? Shouldn't I just *know* what to do? I just feel like the husband's last name will never feel like mine or sound right (both my name and the husband's last name start with the same letter) - but maybe I'm just being weird about it. I have a friend who was married in late 2008 and now her married name seems to fit her just fine. Would that happen to me if I just took my husband's name?

Suggestions? What did you do? Any other blogs that you can point me to? I'm really wanting to get some resolution to this issue.

___

Just checked out some great posts at "With Eyes Wide Open". Very helpful. Hopefully she doesn't mind me posting the links -- if so, please send me a nasty email. :-P

http://witheyeswideopen2.blogspot.com/2009/06/name-game.html

challenged

I'm struggling with the husband right now. We keep having the same fight over and over again. While the trigger is different, the feelings and emotions are the same each time. It basically boils down to me feeling lied to because he says that he will take care of something, and then it doesn't happen. When I ask him why something was not done, he doesn't have an answer. He usually says nothing or says that he's getting better at follow-through. Arg. But better isn't good enough. I've asked for more follow-through on his part for over a year and it just doesn't happen. Today - he was all over his to-do list, because he knows I'm angry and tired of it. Which was great, but next week, who knows? I have made it clear to him and our therapist that I don't expect (or even really want) perfection, but that I expect him to follow-through on what he says he's going to do and not take on tasks that he has no intention of completing.

The hard part of all this for me is the way he responds when I bring this up. As previously mentioned, sometimes he doesn't reply to my inquiries about why something didn't get done or he claims to be getting better. He might also mention that he doesn't get recognition for the things that he does do - which is just annoying. If I asked for a pat on the back from him every time I remembered to do something for the family, then he might as well super glue his hand to my back. He doesn't seem to get that there are just some things that you have to do for your family without expecting credit for it. You'd think that he would have this concept down already, as his oldest is 12 yo... but who knows.

I also hear things like, "That's not fair" or "You're being mean." But am I? Am I being unfair or mean? I honestly don't think so. And this is where the crazy-making comes in. I've been going to therapy for more than a decade now, I think that I can identify when I am fooling myself (I also have a therapist and friends who serve as great bullshit detectors). He just gets so defensive. My theory? The honest answer as to why he didn't do something is that it didn't serve him in any way, he didn't get anything out of it, or it wasn't fun. Which is why I sometimes get silence when I ask about things - he doesn't have a good answer. He's blind to this reasoning though, which makes arguing with him like trying to reason with a 4 year old.

Our most recent spat was about thank you notes (I know, I know, lame). I reminded him that he still has some to do from the wedding (I wrote the thank yous to my friends and family, while he was responsible for his). I asked him it he was aware that it was rude to not write a thank you note for the gifts that we were given. His answer: "Well I've never written thank you notes to my family members, I just said thank you in person or over the phone." Ummm some of these people gave us as much as $500, so yes, you do have to write a thank you note. I hated it as a child, but my parents made sure that we wrote thank you notes to everyone, for everything. I have recently gotten back into it as an adult. I also jut had someone comment about how good and sister and I were about writing thank yous, and how much they appreciate it. Anyways, the husband could not be convinced that it might be a good idea to stop whining and write the notes. I think that he will eventually, but only to shut me up about it. Not because he realizes that it's the right thing to do.... arg.

So on top of all this, the husband is setting aside our fight (like we agreed), until Thursday's therapy. BUT at the same time, he's wants to smooch and cuddle like everything is normal. I'm tired of the crazy-making that's going on. It makes me feel like a witch... so I have to step back and try to convince myself that I'm really not asking for that much. And trying desperately to not be my mother... goodness, will that fear ever dissipate?

Off the dinner.... Therapy on Thursday - I'm actually looking forward to it. Sorry if this rambled and didn't make sense, it's kind of what my head feels like.