email from the BM to husband

i am no longer attending conferences with you..just thought you should know. It's is my job to co-parent with you not you and (stepmom). I have already told you that having her there over steps the lines of what her role is. I tried it once and am not willing to do it again. Since you will not respect me as the mother then this is what is going to happen. BM

Sooooooo yeah - about that whole thing where I write her an email and try to make peace? [see yesterday's 2nd post] I don't think that it would be successful. We attended conferences together in the fall and I thought that things went okay. We all participated, and while BM didn't say anything to me, there was no drama and we were all able to participate.

Here's the problem with her "decision": conferences are next week. She tried to pull the same crap last year and the teacher's rejected her request since these are student-led conferences and the teachers don't have time to do two conferences per kid. Way to plan ahead BM. Nice work. I even asked the girls if it was okay with them if I attended and told them why I was excited to participate. They both said that they were fine with me being there. While the husband doesn't think that I needed to ask them, I thought it would be a good idea and a sign to them that I respect them and their choices. Yes, I would have been crushed if they had said "No," but I wanted to at least have their permission in case BM came back with the assertion that the kids didn't want me there anyways.

Gosh and don't get me started about how I am "over step the lines of what (my) role is." First off -- it doesn't make sense the way she typed it, but whatever. You can't fault someone with her intelligence level. *sigh* Okay - enough with the cattiness. Ummmm I thought that my role was to love the kids, take care of them, provide for them emotionally, physically, help them with homework etc. And then I don't get to attend conferences? Are you kidding me? I do more for them than she ever has. I read to them every night (something that never happened when they were little). I've turned our house into a 'no TV zone' since I know that they watch a TON with her. E's teacher was impressed by how strong she started off the school year, considering that it's taken her until after winter break to get into the groove in previous school years... I wonder what the difference could be? Could it be the kick-butt woman in her life? The one who signed her up for soccer, reads to her each night, expects the most from her? Eh - probably not. It must be something BM is doing.

the dark side....

In response to: http://labellemereuk.blogspot.com/2010/02/going-over-to-darkside.html

Wow.. after an evening at a school play feeling like an outside (again), this post is making me think... I think that I like to make excuses as to why this could never happen for me. Is it possible? Is there hope for peace? I totally agree with the author that life would be less stressful and easier if there was peace. But really? How? Write an email? Send a letter? I don't even know how to begin. That first step seems like stepping into hot lava.

Part of me wants to act like a child around this, "Why should I have to take the first step? Why can't she?" But that will never get us anywhere. But the risk involved feels too great. I already have massive anxiety surrounding rejection whenever the kids are with her -- do I really want to compound this by making myself even more vulnerable to her (the evil one who I hate)? My mature, Master's in clinical psychology side says to take the risk: write an email. Invite her for a drink. But god - I would so rather drink a glass of poison.

And if it works? What if she isn't as evil and terrible as I think she is? What if everything changes (again)? What if.... nothing changes? I feel like I am waiting for something to happen to signal that it's the right time to approach the beast. The wedding happened <1 week ago, and she's still freaked about that... so waiting a bit would be good (but am I now just making up more excuses)?

I know what the books say. I've read "No One's The Bitch," while agreeing with what they had to say, but at the same time thinking that my situation is soooooo different (it's probably not). *sigh* I don't know what to do around this. I'm so into my story of being the harding-working step-mom who has to pick up the slack of the bio-mom. It's a badge of courage almost - to be helping the kids when their mother fails. And if she's not that bad... then am I not this good?

picked last

Arg. Another situation where it is made clear that I am the outsider. M had her school play tonight, and BM is there (it's her night with the kids). I get cranky anytime that I have to be in the same room as her - I'm edgy and snappy the entire 24 hours prior to any type of meeting. She's the proof, the embodiment of what I am not. I am not their mother. Doesn't matter if I'm a better educator, more consistent, more reliable and a better provider - none of it matters when she is in the room. It's like I disappear. No matter that I might have soothed one of the kids the night before, SHE'S number one. I feel resentful. Part of me want to get grumpy with the kids for ignoring me, but I know that they (mostly E) are aware that their mom is threatened by me. I know that they are just protecting her. But I'm still pissed and hurt. Suddenly because she's around I become a non-human? I feel like I can't feel let down or disappointed, because of course they will choose their mom. So I don't get feelings. I can't share with them that it's hard sometimes or that my feelings were hurt. And I know it wouldn't be fair to tell them either, since they are torn in too. Sometimes I just want to be chosen.

Sorry that this is rambling and I'm sorry if I come off like a bitch. Really not meaning to. It just sucks to get picked last.

wedding!

The wedding was amazing. Everything went wonderfully and the kids had a great time. Now I'm trying to be patient and wait for all of the pictures to come back from the photographer. She sent us a sneak peak last night though. This is one of my favorites!

SD10 even came home last night and yelled into the house, "Hello step-mom!"

I couldn't be happier. Now I'm just looking forward to cleaning the house and getting our lives back in order.

more often

So I really am going to try to write more. At least it gets the icky thoughts out of my head. That's important these days.

While the husband and I are legally married already (shhh don't tell the kids, the BM, or either of our parents), our wedding is this Saturday. I'm finally really excited about it, as are the kids. It will be nice to finally have this all done and we can move on with our lives. Weddings are fun, but they take up a lot of mental energy. I'm excited to have all of that brain space back.

BM is trying to be the center of attention this week. Nice try. Not going to work dearest. We know what you're up to and we're not going to put up with it anymore. Enough is enough. You evil, mean person. Gosh, I feel like a middle-schooler again. Wanting to scream, "I win! Now leave us alone!" right into her face. *sigh* But I guess I'm an adult now, so such behavior is strictly prohibited. Doesn't mean that it wouldn't feel amazing to do.

I've bought each of the kids scrapbooks and written them letters that will go on the first page. Once we get the wedding pictures back, I'll take some time with each kid and complete them. They're only 10 pages each and they will be mostly pictures. But I want them to have something that's theirs after this is all over. I know that the letters will mean something different to each of them, and I hope that the meaning changes as they grow older. They are such special and unique kids. I'm so lucky to have them in my life.

suggestions needed

Looking for suggestions: wanting to get something nice for my stepkids for the wedding? I want to get them something special. The girls wear necklaces, but tend to lose them... and that wouldn't work for E. I know that I want to write each of them a letter (SS7's will probably wait until much later for him to read), maybe write a letter and frame it along with a picture of us from the wedding... agg! I usually wait to buy gifts until I get inspired, but I'm running out of time. Ideas?

I thankfully have great relationships with all of them, so that makes the buying easier.

"This is, like, the best sleepover ever!"

Today is SD12's 10th birthday. Two of her friends are over (one spending the night, one getting picked up later). They're watching a movie and eating ice cream. SD12's having such a great time. It's nice to see her so happy and relaxed. She worries about everyone else so often, it's nice to see her being a normal kiddo.

I made her cake - she requested a 'smiley face cake'. Thank goodness, this is my first go-around with cake decorating, all I needed to do was not screw up the eyes and mouth. Mission accomplished.

We decorated the house. Nothing too exciting, paper streamers and balloons. But E was pretty excited about - she even said, "Wow, this looks really good, thanks D." I got lots of hugs and lots of praise for being the "best step-mom ever."

The husband and I gave SD12 $50 to spend on the micro-lending website Kiva . She's been talking a lot about how she's too little to make a difference, and I wanted to show her that that's not true. Once we got our money back, she can lend it to someone else. She thought it was pretty cool. But yes, we're taking her to Build-A-Bear tomorrow so she can build something. :-)

Good day. Really good day.

P.S.
Pic attached. Sorry for the blurring, you're missing out on how cute she is - but I want to protect her privacy. :-)

culture clash

*sigh* No amount of graduate school work could have prepared me for this.

I'm white. I'm as white and as Californian as they come. Growing up, we lived 300 miles away from our nearest blood relatives - and I saw them once or twice a year. Not really a big deal. I haven't seen most of the aunts, uncles nor my paternal grandmother is almost a year. I'm not even sure if I've met all of my mom's brothers. When we visit each other, we stay in hotels (or in our case, in our motor home outside their home). We visit for short stretches, have a few formal-ish dinners and that's about it. We don't get in each other's business, but offer support when needed.

My husband is Mexican. He was born in Mexico and moved to the US full-time when he was in middle school. His family moved here because his father was getting a PhD in chemistry. Most of his maternal family lives about 3 hours from us and his parents live in town. *sigh* When the husband and the BM got pregnant (at 19 and 20 years old), my husband's parents stepped up and helped raise the kids. After the divorce they helped even more. So the kids and grandparents are used to week-night sleep overs, weekend sleepovers etc. Husband's mother begs to have the kids over. Which is great - when we need a break or have an appointment, they are there. But sometimes they are a little TOO there. We haven't seen the kids since they went to school on Tuesday morning - BM has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, barf. And the husband was ready to let the kids sleepover at his parents tomorrow night. Which means not seeing them for THREE DAYS. Ummm so not good with me. I want to see them. Check in with them about how their weeks went etc. PARENT them ourselves.

I don't get this whole extended family raising kids thing. I don't like it either. Too out of control - too much TV over there (we do basically none). Too much hand holding and babying that goes on - let them make mistakes for crying out loud! They have this ownership over the kids that I don't like. If they want to have kids there all the time, adopt. I want to spend time with them! It would be different if we had the kids 100% of the time, then it's not a big deal. But we are going to be seeing so little of them that I don't want to lose time with them. It sucks. But I feel like I can't speak up too much since "I'm not their mom." Shouldn't I crave alone time with the husband like all the step-parenting books say? Is it weird that I like to do things together, as a family? Isn't that what it's supposed to be like?

I wonder how things will be when I have kids myself. Because I plan to raise them at home. Yes, visits to grandparents, but they won't have a room there! That's strange to me. I want my little house and my little family - without so many hands in the pot. I just want to be left along to raise kids. Is that too much to ask? Or am I being selfish?

slightly better

Okay I'm here again. Feeling a bit more like myself. IT's kind of tough when one person going off their anti-depressants (me) while another is starting (the husband). And to top it off, the wedding is in 52 days. Crap, how did it get here so fast? Many things are already done, just the little stuff to work on.

I think we;re back in a better place, couple-wise. I'm still in a bit of a funk right now, not overly cuddly and mushy. I tend not to be either of those things really though. What's tough is that the husband thrives on these things. We have a nice cycle: I'm down and pull away... he gets worries and seeks comfort by acting like my shadow... I feel smothered and pull away. And so it goes...

I'm just not a mushy, lovey-dovey, romantic person. I never really have been. It's just the way I am. I'm happy and feel lovey when things get done around the house - I know... it's weird.

Okay -- signing off. I'm doing a little bit of babysitting today - extra cash and time for myself.

custody

Oh my god. I hate this. Soooooo much.

BM now wants the kids on Wednesday too. Fuck that. She's only doing this because she wants more child support because she's broke as fuck and can't pay her rent (sorry for the f-bombs, but I am pissed). So now she will have them on Wednesday and Thursday nights. What a nightmare. They are going to fall behind in school, be with a totally irresponsible parent 40% of the time and WE have to pay her more. What a frickin' joke.

I'm so angry and there is absolutely NOTHING that I can do about it. NOTHING. I feel hopeless and helpless. I'm angry at the husband for his shitty choices. He's angry with me for bashing him about his past. But seriously, he did some stupid things. Really really stupid. And we pay for them now. We'd have 100% custody of them right now if it weren't for his errors. Right before they got divorced, she physically assaulted him. He didn't report it. IF he had, she would have a record and we'd be able to get custody (or at least be safe from her deciding that she wants an extra day).

I don't know what to do. She's a snake who just wants more money. But guess what? SD12 is getting braces... and now that BM wants 40% custody, she gets to pay for 40% of them. Pretty soon SD10 and SS7 will need them too. She won't be getting child support, she'll have to pay US and her entire plan with backfire. Then summer will come around and we'll need to arrange for summer camps. So much for trying to get money out of us. Try getting a college education or a second job instead. That's what the rest of us do when we need money. She's such a fucking loser.

I am so stuck.