role playing

Now hold onto your skirts, this post isn't about THAT kind of role playing. But I can blog about it in the future if requested.

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I've always wanted to have children. I always had an idea about the type of parent I was going to be, so when I moved in with the husband and step-kids I jumped into the role that I'd be preparing for my entire life. There I was: 24 years old, with my type A+ personality, my amazing organizational skills and dedication to education. I was ready to be the parent I always dreamed I would be. It's all I ever knew. No one ever told me about how to be a step-mom. They don't sell a set of dolls at Toys-R-Us that include a BM, step-mom, and step kids to practice with.

I know that these are not my kids. But when they are with us, when I'm taking care of boo-boos, reading books, snuggling while watching movies and brushing teeth - it FEELS like they are. I'm doing mom-things, but I'm not their mom. Which is so confusing and difficult (for me, as well as for them). Because they aren't. These are not my children. But I'm in this ill-defined role of caregiver and co-parent - but I can't be mom. I can't be THE parent.

So I've stepped back. I don't help with homework unless asked, and even then, as soon as it starts to become a struggle I step back. I didn't rush to meet the kids' teachers this school year. I'm answering a lot of questions with, "You'll have to ask your Dad about that." I love them and stay invested in their wellbeing - but I am not RESPONSIBLE for their wellbeing. I do what I can to help them be happy and caring human beings, but expect the husband to step up.

This was a really hard thing for my husband to come to terms with. I was so overly involved before. Killing myself to be amazing and "fix" the kids. Give them what they missed out on in life. When I stepped back, my husband was confused and hurt. Why wasn't I making an effort to meet the kids' teachers? Weren't the kids going to be hurt that I wasn't as involved? And finally it came to me. The thing that I hadn't found words for yet, the thing that I didn't want to fully realize.

"We have to stop playing Mom and Dad. Because we aren't. We're Dad and Step-Mom."

So here I am. Still trying to find a balance. A balance in life and within myself. Because, honestly, I don't want to be anyone's step-mom (do any of us?). I want to be someone's mom. Bio-kids are several years off for us right now. So in the meantime, I'm going to stay present with the amazing step-kids that I have. Try not to put pressure on them to be something to me that they are not. Try not to put pressure on myself to be something that I'm not. Right now, I'm a step-mom. And I'm working on being okay with that.