Okay I'm here again. Feeling a bit more like myself. IT's kind of tough when one person going off their anti-depressants (me) while another is starting (the husband). And to top it off, the wedding is in 52 days. Crap, how did it get here so fast? Many things are already done, just the little stuff to work on.
I think we;re back in a better place, couple-wise. I'm still in a bit of a funk right now, not overly cuddly and mushy. I tend not to be either of those things really though. What's tough is that the husband thrives on these things. We have a nice cycle: I'm down and pull away... he gets worries and seeks comfort by acting like my shadow... I feel smothered and pull away. And so it goes...
I'm just not a mushy, lovey-dovey, romantic person. I never really have been. It's just the way I am. I'm happy and feel lovey when things get done around the house - I know... it's weird.
Okay -- signing off. I'm doing a little bit of babysitting today - extra cash and time for myself.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
custody
Oh my god. I hate this. Soooooo much.
BM now wants the kids on Wednesday too. Fuck that. She's only doing this because she wants more child support because she's broke as fuck and can't pay her rent (sorry for the f-bombs, but I am pissed). So now she will have them on Wednesday and Thursday nights. What a nightmare. They are going to fall behind in school, be with a totally irresponsible parent 40% of the time and WE have to pay her more. What a frickin' joke.
I'm so angry and there is absolutely NOTHING that I can do about it. NOTHING. I feel hopeless and helpless. I'm angry at the husband for his shitty choices. He's angry with me for bashing him about his past. But seriously, he did some stupid things. Really really stupid. And we pay for them now. We'd have 100% custody of them right now if it weren't for his errors. Right before they got divorced, she physically assaulted him. He didn't report it. IF he had, she would have a record and we'd be able to get custody (or at least be safe from her deciding that she wants an extra day).
I don't know what to do. She's a snake who just wants more money. But guess what? SD12 is getting braces... and now that BM wants 40% custody, she gets to pay for 40% of them. Pretty soon SD10 and SS7 will need them too. She won't be getting child support, she'll have to pay US and her entire plan with backfire. Then summer will come around and we'll need to arrange for summer camps. So much for trying to get money out of us. Try getting a college education or a second job instead. That's what the rest of us do when we need money. She's such a fucking loser.
I am so stuck.
BM now wants the kids on Wednesday too. Fuck that. She's only doing this because she wants more child support because she's broke as fuck and can't pay her rent (sorry for the f-bombs, but I am pissed). So now she will have them on Wednesday and Thursday nights. What a nightmare. They are going to fall behind in school, be with a totally irresponsible parent 40% of the time and WE have to pay her more. What a frickin' joke.
I'm so angry and there is absolutely NOTHING that I can do about it. NOTHING. I feel hopeless and helpless. I'm angry at the husband for his shitty choices. He's angry with me for bashing him about his past. But seriously, he did some stupid things. Really really stupid. And we pay for them now. We'd have 100% custody of them right now if it weren't for his errors. Right before they got divorced, she physically assaulted him. He didn't report it. IF he had, she would have a record and we'd be able to get custody (or at least be safe from her deciding that she wants an extra day).
I don't know what to do. She's a snake who just wants more money. But guess what? SD12 is getting braces... and now that BM wants 40% custody, she gets to pay for 40% of them. Pretty soon SD10 and SS7 will need them too. She won't be getting child support, she'll have to pay US and her entire plan with backfire. Then summer will come around and we'll need to arrange for summer camps. So much for trying to get money out of us. Try getting a college education or a second job instead. That's what the rest of us do when we need money. She's such a fucking loser.
I am so stuck.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
worth it
Things that make this crazy life so worth it:
L's class is having a read-in today (sleeping bags, pillows and books all day long). The teacher asked for parents to pop in and read to them. I showed up this morning, only to find that L had just left the classroom for speech. His teacher said, "That's such a bummer, he was so excited to have you come in. He told me this morning 'My mom's coming in today! My mom's coming today!' " I was shocked. He's never call me his mom. Ever. We have an amazing bond, but I've never expected any of the kiddos to call me their mom.
Wow. Trying not to get too excited.
I'm going to go back this afternoon and read when he's there. :-)
L's class is having a read-in today (sleeping bags, pillows and books all day long). The teacher asked for parents to pop in and read to them. I showed up this morning, only to find that L had just left the classroom for speech. His teacher said, "That's such a bummer, he was so excited to have you come in. He told me this morning 'My mom's coming in today! My mom's coming today!' " I was shocked. He's never call me his mom. Ever. We have an amazing bond, but I've never expected any of the kiddos to call me their mom.
Wow. Trying not to get too excited.
I'm going to go back this afternoon and read when he's there. :-)
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I hate the holidays
There I said it. I hate the holidays. I don't get them - there's all these requirements and expectations placed on this time of year. It's the same reason I don't like celebrating special occasions on a specific day, too much pressure. If it's a spontaneous celebration, that's all good. But to put so much pressure for everything to go right on a specific day? No thank you.
For example. The husband's parents live in town. And his parent's family is joining us for Thanksgiving. Most have arrived today. I'm expected to go have dinner there tonight, hang out for a while and then hang out ALL day tomorrow. Really? I'm not that social of a person - I'm not much for sitting around doing nothing all day in someone else's house. It bores me. Plus the 4 week old sobriety that I'm working on doesn't allow me to have my normal alcohol induced buffer for dying of boredom.
So I've excused myself tonight, under the guise of going home to pick up and get ready for the two people that we are hosting. But really, I just want to be alone. This family is weird - there are all of these expectations of being together (traditional Latino family, I'm a white bread as they come), but at the same time, no one does anything together. We just sit around watching TV. Maybe I will make an effort and bring cards or something tomorrow. But honestly, if I'm going to sit around all day, I'd rather do so in the comfort of my own home. This just isn't my cup of tea. I have my own dysfunctional family - which is why I'm not with them during the holidays. I don't really need to spend time with someone else's.
Time to try venturing back into the land of safe social drinking? I think it might be too tempting to fall back into old habits.
For example. The husband's parents live in town. And his parent's family is joining us for Thanksgiving. Most have arrived today. I'm expected to go have dinner there tonight, hang out for a while and then hang out ALL day tomorrow. Really? I'm not that social of a person - I'm not much for sitting around doing nothing all day in someone else's house. It bores me. Plus the 4 week old sobriety that I'm working on doesn't allow me to have my normal alcohol induced buffer for dying of boredom.
So I've excused myself tonight, under the guise of going home to pick up and get ready for the two people that we are hosting. But really, I just want to be alone. This family is weird - there are all of these expectations of being together (traditional Latino family, I'm a white bread as they come), but at the same time, no one does anything together. We just sit around watching TV. Maybe I will make an effort and bring cards or something tomorrow. But honestly, if I'm going to sit around all day, I'd rather do so in the comfort of my own home. This just isn't my cup of tea. I have my own dysfunctional family - which is why I'm not with them during the holidays. I don't really need to spend time with someone else's.
Time to try venturing back into the land of safe social drinking? I think it might be too tempting to fall back into old habits.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
something's off
The Husband and I have been off since the kid went to their mom's on Saturday afternoon. Granted, we're both feeling a little low, but still icky icky ick. I feel like I need space (not really physical space, but just emotional space from any emotional conversations), and he's feeling really needy and insecure. Basically a recipe for disaster. I'm going and he's coming at me. He;s feeling vulnerable and I'd needing him to step up. I don't know how to get out of this funk.
Something might be brewing with the ex. Her latest support check was much lower than normal because we took out her % for the kid's recent immunizations (flu and H1N1). I know that she's strapped for money as usual (guess that's what happens when you make $10/hour cutting hair), but we didn't do anything wrong when we calculated the support amount or by taking out the money for the kid's health care. Now she wants to talk about it... the Husband thinks that she's going to ask to have to immunizations taken out of the next support check. This won't be happening. We gave her a three week notice that this amount would be taken out and we've already paid for them. I can't imagine what her argument will be.
----
Okay, husband just came out from the bedroom. Wants my attention. Says he's feeling the distance. Arg. Yes distant - but not in a bad way. We can be separate. *sigh* So dramatic sometimes. Oh my sensitive husband.
Something might be brewing with the ex. Her latest support check was much lower than normal because we took out her % for the kid's recent immunizations (flu and H1N1). I know that she's strapped for money as usual (guess that's what happens when you make $10/hour cutting hair), but we didn't do anything wrong when we calculated the support amount or by taking out the money for the kid's health care. Now she wants to talk about it... the Husband thinks that she's going to ask to have to immunizations taken out of the next support check. This won't be happening. We gave her a three week notice that this amount would be taken out and we've already paid for them. I can't imagine what her argument will be.
----
Okay, husband just came out from the bedroom. Wants my attention. Says he's feeling the distance. Arg. Yes distant - but not in a bad way. We can be separate. *sigh* So dramatic sometimes. Oh my sensitive husband.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Dear Ex Wife from the Step Family Letter Project
No, I didn't write this - but I feel very much like that sometimes.
Things are good for the moment - which means that I haven't seen BM in a while. She didn't show at any of the kids' soccer games this weekend. Not having to see her makes things easier. Having to remember that she exists hurts my head sometimes. Mostly because I know that she will continue to get credit for how great the kids are, despite not being all that involved. It's just easier to not think about her at all...
But there's a Catch-22 with that type of thinking. She IS around. She IS their mother. And I have to find a way to deal with it. *sigh* Much more challenging that I ever thought.
No, I didn't write this - but I feel very much like that sometimes.
Things are good for the moment - which means that I haven't seen BM in a while. She didn't show at any of the kids' soccer games this weekend. Not having to see her makes things easier. Having to remember that she exists hurts my head sometimes. Mostly because I know that she will continue to get credit for how great the kids are, despite not being all that involved. It's just easier to not think about her at all...
But there's a Catch-22 with that type of thinking. She IS around. She IS their mother. And I have to find a way to deal with it. *sigh* Much more challenging that I ever thought.
Friday, November 13, 2009
survived
So conferences were survived without any nastiness, but there was so much tension in the room. BM didn't greet me at all, so (as usual) I greeted her and asked how she was. I mean, I get credit for trying? Right?
I'm trying to remember to lessons taught in the amazing book No One's the Bitch. It's hard. Like really really hard. I don't know how to reach out. I despise the woman and think that she's a waste of oxygen most of the time, but I have to deal with her. And I have to recognize that what we're feeling is more similar than different - which is hard to even think about. I also have to remember that this is part of what I signed up for. But.... how to make some sort of progress?
I've been considering writing her a letter. Spelling out the realities of our situation: we aren't happy that we have to deal with each other, we probably don't think very highly of each other, but we have three very important people in our lives who have to be our top priority. And while she might think that I don't (or shouldn't) give a damn about the kids because they didn't come out of my body, I do. I love them with every ounce of me.
So this letter is playing around in my head right now. I need to get it out on paper. To see what it's like. To see if the pieces fit together in any sort of coherent way. Also to see if I can keep my rage out of it. I don't have any control over how it's received - but it can't really make things worse... right?
I'm trying to remember to lessons taught in the amazing book No One's the Bitch. It's hard. Like really really hard. I don't know how to reach out. I despise the woman and think that she's a waste of oxygen most of the time, but I have to deal with her. And I have to recognize that what we're feeling is more similar than different - which is hard to even think about. I also have to remember that this is part of what I signed up for. But.... how to make some sort of progress?
I've been considering writing her a letter. Spelling out the realities of our situation: we aren't happy that we have to deal with each other, we probably don't think very highly of each other, but we have three very important people in our lives who have to be our top priority. And while she might think that I don't (or shouldn't) give a damn about the kids because they didn't come out of my body, I do. I love them with every ounce of me.
So this letter is playing around in my head right now. I need to get it out on paper. To see what it's like. To see if the pieces fit together in any sort of coherent way. Also to see if I can keep my rage out of it. I don't have any control over how it's received - but it can't really make things worse... right?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
parent/teacher conferences
Here they are again. For most parents, I would assume that they look forward to conference time. You get a chance to talk with the teacher about your child, what's been going on in the classroom, how you can help more at home etc. Personally, they occur a little too often for my taste.
BM doesn't want me there (despite the fact that I'm raising the kids 70% of the time). Jealous, petty whatever you want to call it - she's just plain hostile. I don't want to be buddy-buddy with her (not at ALL) but a little effort to make eye contact when I say hi and ask how she is would be nice (even though I couldn't care less). I'm the person raising your children for f@#*s sake.
So since she failed to plan for child care (Thursday is her day), she suggested to the husband that *I* watch the kid during the conference. The husband informed her that I would be attending, since I am involved. Her answer is to LEAVE THEM ON THE PLAYGROUND BY THEMSELVES FOR 90 MINUTES!!! Quality. Can someone out there please arrange to call child welfare services during that time to report her?
Ugg. I feel like puking and the conferences are still 22 hours away. I hate her I hate her I hate her.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Welcome
The Story:
I met the Husband in August 2008 and we had an instant connection. We were engaged in November 2008 and were legally married in February 2009. We chose not to share this information with the kids, ex-wife or our parents. The quick move-in and engagement was enough for all of them. We're currently preparing for our "wedding" in February 2010.
I met the Husband in August 2008 and we had an instant connection. We were engaged in November 2008 and were legally married in February 2009. We chose not to share this information with the kids, ex-wife or our parents. The quick move-in and engagement was enough for all of them. We're currently preparing for our "wedding" in February 2010.
The players:
The Husband (32)
The Ex (31)
Me (26)
L (7)
E (9)
M (11)
Other people will make appearances, but I'll develop interesting nicknames as I go.
Why blog?
I've been thinking about blogging about this life and all the changes a lot recently. Needing an outlet outside of therapy, the husband or friends who can't really relate to having kids (much less an ex-wife to deal with).
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