Wednesday, December 29, 2010

role playing

Now hold onto your skirts, this post isn't about THAT kind of role playing. But I can blog about it in the future if requested.

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I've always wanted to have children. I always had an idea about the type of parent I was going to be, so when I moved in with the husband and step-kids I jumped into the role that I'd be preparing for my entire life. There I was: 24 years old, with my type A+ personality, my amazing organizational skills and dedication to education. I was ready to be the parent I always dreamed I would be. It's all I ever knew. No one ever told me about how to be a step-mom. They don't sell a set of dolls at Toys-R-Us that include a BM, step-mom, and step kids to practice with.

I know that these are not my kids. But when they are with us, when I'm taking care of boo-boos, reading books, snuggling while watching movies and brushing teeth - it FEELS like they are. I'm doing mom-things, but I'm not their mom. Which is so confusing and difficult (for me, as well as for them). Because they aren't. These are not my children. But I'm in this ill-defined role of caregiver and co-parent - but I can't be mom. I can't be THE parent.

So I've stepped back. I don't help with homework unless asked, and even then, as soon as it starts to become a struggle I step back. I didn't rush to meet the kids' teachers this school year. I'm answering a lot of questions with, "You'll have to ask your Dad about that." I love them and stay invested in their wellbeing - but I am not RESPONSIBLE for their wellbeing. I do what I can to help them be happy and caring human beings, but expect the husband to step up.

This was a really hard thing for my husband to come to terms with. I was so overly involved before. Killing myself to be amazing and "fix" the kids. Give them what they missed out on in life. When I stepped back, my husband was confused and hurt. Why wasn't I making an effort to meet the kids' teachers? Weren't the kids going to be hurt that I wasn't as involved? And finally it came to me. The thing that I hadn't found words for yet, the thing that I didn't want to fully realize.

"We have to stop playing Mom and Dad. Because we aren't. We're Dad and Step-Mom."

So here I am. Still trying to find a balance. A balance in life and within myself. Because, honestly, I don't want to be anyone's step-mom (do any of us?). I want to be someone's mom. Bio-kids are several years off for us right now. So in the meantime, I'm going to stay present with the amazing step-kids that I have. Try not to put pressure on them to be something to me that they are not. Try not to put pressure on myself to be something that I'm not. Right now, I'm a step-mom. And I'm working on being okay with that.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

What I wrote back

So a few weeks ago BM emailed me this long and ranty email. Thanks everyone for your input. A friend helped me craft the following response. BM hasn't responded, which is fine.

----

I want to start off by acknowledging the huge risk that you took in writing this email. I, too, would like to move past some of the hurtful things that have occurred between us. In your email, you talked about the effectiveness of using email to communicate and I agree that this is a great way for us to transfer information about the kids, so I hope that we can continue to do that. As another step towards building a good relationship, I plan to make extra effort to be polite and friendly when we interact in person. I think that communicating via email and changing the way we interact in person will go a long way towards building a better relationship between the two of us.

I have found a lot of resources online for step-moms, one of which is a book written by a mom and stepmom pair about how to work as a team for the benefit of the kids. I found it to be helpful and think you might also relate to it. I'd be happy to get a copy of it to you if you're interested. In the meantime, here is a link to their website: http://www.noonesthebitch.com/

It it very clear to me how much you love your children, and I want to share with you that I love them very much too. I hope that with these changes, I can someday be recognized as a valued caregiver for your children. It's been an honor and pleasure to watch them grow up.

-Me

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

tax return

So for those not in the know - husband and I had our wedding in early 2010, but got legally married in early 2009. Health insurance etc caused us to do it sooner. We didn't tell our families because it was about 6 months after we met and we were already accused (appropriately) of moving too fast.

Fast forward to now. BM found out about husband and I getting married before our "wedding". She requested the 2009 tax returns for child support purposes (which we filed jointly) and then texted husband yesterday, "when exactly did you and [stepmom] get married?" She was all pissed about it, but said she wouldn't tell the kids. We decided to beat her to it, since she's bound to get pissed at us sometime soon and tell them. We didn't tell SS8, since he's well SS8, and wouldn't understand anyways or really care. So we decided to only tell SD10 and SD12. I explained it superly awesomely and neither of the girls cared. It was pretty great. SS10 had some questions, but they were good ones. I reiterated to them why we didn't tell them before and that it was okay to be grumpy with us about it - but that we made what we thought was the best choice at the time. And that we considered our wedding to be when we got married and became a family, not when some piece of paper said it. Their general response was, "Whatever. Can we eat dinner now?"

I would like to be in the room when BM tries to turn the kids against us by "telling" them - only to have them shrug and say they already know. *cue evil stepmother laugh*

Monday, September 20, 2010

she wrote back

Wow... I'm still trying to process this. Not sure what the write back. The ear infection that I currently have doesn't help matters either. Any suggestions?
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[myname]....I am going to go out on a limb here,
I am sorry. I am sorry for any hurt that I have caused you. I am sorry for any hurt that I have caused between you and Marco. I truly am. I wish I had the time to have gotten to known you before our worlds came colliding together. I believe it would have made all the difference in the world.
You don't even know me.... and I don't know you.
you only know what [husband] tells you and that's tainted, yes the angry, hurt, sad,bitter worn out [BM]. That person is so not me. I hate that person. Why do I end up being this person more than half the time when I talk to him?.... and then you have to hear about it so it then just can confirm what you think of me.....That's a very easy answer: it has nothing to do with you or him....I ache for my children. My heart is empty without them. I knew them before anyone did, they grew inside of me and after they were born when they opened up their big beautiful eyes I fell in love, a connection was made. I have never been the same after the divorce. For me it was about the loss of my children....yes I see them but not how I want or need to. So it becomes so painful for me and I am sorry I have let that pain over shadow all the good things you have done for my kids.
One day [stepmom] you will have the joy of caring a child and giving life to him or her and falling so in love that you think it's almost impossible to take your next breathe of air you're so taken back by the child's beauty.

You see those three Beautiful children: [SD12, SD10, SS8]
the lights of my life.... [husband] and I created those beings together
and I am just like them....just as he is.

I put ALL of who I was into [husband] and my kids, and so little into myself only to have my family slip through my own hands. Was I holding on too tight or not tight enough?? I can sum it up to one word: FEAR. THEN ~ it consumed me until I was not even recognizable, and NOW~ well I can see it and I don't want to live with it any longer.
It's time for me to let go.... and trust. I need to trust in [husband] again and you are his other half. With all my health problems I have, it's time. If something were to happen to me, I need to know that the woman [husband] has given his life to will give her life to my children and him and will be faithful and true...... So I am going to believe in you because [husband] believes in you. Not only that but because [husband] loves you with all of his heart. Changes will not happen over night because some wounds run deep but I am ready for them to heal. I will not let the fear of change or the type of loss i have gone through damage this family any longer on my end if I can help it.
I know this is alot to take in at one time.... but I need the both of you to be on board here. I can't change the way this family functions on my own. I can only change the way I function. We may need family therapy??? lol
so just breathe.....it's all we can do at times. It's ALL I can do at times.... just breathe.....

Point is I would like to start over with you, if you are willing.....

I love my children more than life it's self.... if you knew my background, my up bringing, you may just understand why I am so protective over my children and why I have build my walls so high. But I have to get over these feelings I guess.... who knows lol lol I'm willing to work on them an have already started the process.
It's only going to work if we all three are willing to do it together. I want the BEST not only for the kids but for everyone around them.
Small steps can lead to great things....

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I don't know even where to being. I'm scared that this is just a momentary respite from her crazy. So hurt, so angry.... I'm not sure if I can move forward. Suggestions?

Friday, September 17, 2010

emailed her

*gulp*

Hope this doesn't backfire in my face. I emailed BM for the first time ever. There was an issue with SD12's school website. We originally thought that we could create individual logins to view grades etc, but then found out we could only create one. Well, I got there first and therefore BM couldn't create one. So I changed the password to something innocuous and emailed her an apology along with the new login information. I even set up the emails for her. Let's see what this olive branch does.

Monday, September 13, 2010

more money, more child support

Greetings. So the husband is considering changing jobs (same field, just different company). The pay would be substantially more than he makes now, which is great for us. We have goals of owning a home and saving for our bio-kids and a raise like this would help us get closer to that. My issue? A raise for him means and 'raise' for the BM in terms of child support. This just blows my mind and I'm almost beside myself with resentment. At this point, it's very likely that he is going to take this job, so I obviously need to get over this. But uggg... it makes my blood boil. It's frustrating to be trying to build a life with someone, only to have to pay his ex-wife's rent as well. And the money isn't even going to the kids - which would make it somewhat better.

So yes, I obviously have some issues that I still need to work out. No one really prepares you to get married and then share part of your household income with another person who you hate. That was not part of thought process. I don't like being so stuck on money, but it's frustrating. I need to be supportive of the husband since he's dealing with a lot, but I can't help getting angry every time he writes a check to her. So to therapy I go with this issue again -- I guess the answer is to just deal with it?

Anyone else been in this situation? With a pay increase for your spouse and the ex at the same time? How did you deal?

Friday, July 30, 2010

sabotage

Oh how I wish this could be sent to BM. I wonder if there will ever be a place where she could read this?

How Sabotaging Stepmoms Hurts Your Children

Monday, July 26, 2010

MIA

Sorry all - I know that you were waiting impatiently for my next post. :-P

Things are good. Actually, really good. My antidepressants are doing what they're supposed to do - thus proving to me that my depression isn't just something that I can snap out of, but a really-truly chemical imbalance that requires medication to function at baseline. It's not what I want, but it is what it is. I'd rather be functional and on medication, then depressed without them.

Things with the husband have also been so much better. Fights are limited, and we can usually get over them pretty quickly. After a two-week break (with me being out of town and then our therapist on vacation), we're headed back to couples counseling this week. Even though things are going well, I know that we have some communication issues to work out.

On the step-mom front, things are going alright. These kids are so amazing and resilient. I'm still annoyed and hating how much money we give to BM - but I can't waste too much energy on it. The husband has been to two co-parenting/medication sessions with her so far. The therapist/mediator suspects that BM has a personality disorder -- something I suspected a while ago. The bi-polar diagnosis that BM claims just doesn't fit at all. I have a MA in clinical psych and I know what bi-polar looks like. So, great - we're dealing with a basically untreatable mental illness. I mostly just feel sorry for the kids. It seems like the longer husband and I are together, and the happier we are -- the crazier she gets. Just imagine how crazy she's going to be when we decide to have our own kids. *gulp*

Friday, June 25, 2010

perspective

My best friend sent to this me a while ago. First, it made me grumpy. Then, I was still grumpy and has a case of the "yeah, buts..." Finally, I have opened myself up to the possibility of another truth. Everyone needs a friend like mine - willing to point out your BS and challenge you, but also able to step back when needed. Thank you.

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Ho Mama! A Blog for Slutty, Single, Low-income Moms

There just aren't enough Mommy Blogs out there written by slutty, single, low-income moms. So here I am to fill in that gap.

One year to the day from meeting my daughter's dad, we had a three month old baby. How slutty is that?

I've been married twice, but have seen no need to coordinate marriage with conception. I mean, really, why complicate things?

When I got pregnant, I was living in San Francisco. Upon discovering my impending BabyMama-hood, my female roommate kicked me out into the street. My male roommate, her boyfriend, went along quietly. (She seemed to think he had a crush on me).

This action would have been illegal if I'd been on the lease. But I was merely a sub-tenant. A serf. And now a pregnant serf with an $8 an hour job in one of the most expensive cities in the world. A city with a 1% vacancy rate.

Never fear, though. Slutty, single, low-income moms are nothing if not resourceful. I brought my premature baby (all five pounds of her) home from the hospital to an SRO hotel in the Tenderloin.

My daughter didn't come home to a crib or a nursery. But you know what? She didn't seem to notice. Perhaps cribs and nurseries are more for parents than for babies. Hmmmmmm.

Anyway, I did manage to find some cardboard cut-outs of Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, and Piglet to tape to the walls. But my daughter was much more fascinated by my face and voice than by any baby toys or cutesy decorations.

Feeding her was cheap and easy. My breasts pumped out a steady supply of milk. Feeding myself was a bit trickier. It's quite a hike from the Tenderloin to Whole Foods, especially with a baby strapped to your chest. But we managed.

I couldn't cook in our hotel room - we didn't have a refridgerator or a microwave - so I had to eat a lot of raw fruit, roasted peanuts, and protein bars.

Anyway, the lobby of our hotel was filled with loitering male prostitutes looking awkward and vulnerable in their lipstick, dresses, and cheap crooked wigs.

The hotel was owned by a large extended Indian family who did a lot of cooking. They filled the building with the sweet spicy smells of cinnamon, cardomom, chili, and cloves.

Ruffled looking men and women, in various states of intoxication, knocked on our hotel room door at all hours of the day and night, begging for money.

It was one of the happiest times of my life. My daughter's dad was able to pay our rent at the hotel, so I was able to stay "home" with her. I was in seventh heaven.

Once a week I went to a new moms' support group in a neighborhood about 2 miles, and a million light years, from the Tenderloin. Only one of the moms in the group, besides myself, was single. But she seemed to want nothing to do with me. She was fairly high-powered. She had a first class nanny picked out and living-in with her already. She clearly wasn't one of "those" single moms. And certainly not slutty. I got the distinct impression her child was conceived both expensively and immaculately - with a sterile syringe.

The rest of the moms in my new mom support group were financially secure college educated women, happily married to magnificent brilliant college-educated men, who were the most eager and devoted fathers in the whole wide world. Gag.

As you can imagine, I felt right at home.

And this may be the trouble some people have with Mommy Bloggers. Because, let's face it folks, not all Mommys are created equal.

There are, in this culture, Good Mommys and Bad Mommys.

The Best Mommys are married, upper-middle class (or better), have a college degree, worked before staying home with the children, speak english, and are both white and heterosexual.

Good (not Best) Mommys may be black (non-ebonic speaking) or hispanic (english speaking), or Asian (english speaking, culturally assimilated). But the income, education and marital status is non-negotiable.

In "liberal" communities, the sexual orientation may be negotiable, but in too many parts of the United States, it is absolutely not.

What I ask Mommy Bloggers to remember is this: If you are a married, educated, financially secure, upper middle class mom writing a blog directed at other married, financially secure, upper middle class moms, please acknowledge the fact that you are in the minority.

And you are EXTREMELY privileged. Motherhood is never easy. In your case, however, it is EASIER than it has been in any other place on earth at any other time in human history.

When you are writing about the struggle to keep romance in your marriage while toilet training a toddler, or about choreographing your child's social life on the playground, or about trying to maintain the brain cells you worked so hard to accumulate in college -please take a second to acknowledge the rest of us. Acknowledge the vastly different levels of struggle we face. And if you can, acknowledge it without judging us.

We're your sisters, too: the single, the slutty, the low-income, the illegal, the lost, the struggling, the uneducated, and clueless. We love our children just as much as you love yours. We want every bit as much for our babies as you want for yours. We are exactly the same in those ways. We just don't have (or get) all the props.

Can you be a good mother if you can't afford a crib? Can you be a good mother if you can't figure out how to find a good husband? Can you be a good mother if you never finished high school? If you can't speak english? If you live in a developing country? If you're homeless?

If not, why not?

How much is the ability to consume related to the ability to mother?

These are the questions that lurk between the lines of the typical Mommy Blog.

The Mommy Blogger's voice is privileged and rare. It can be a funny, entertaining, and enlightening voice. But it mustn't be used to drown out the voices of the vast majority of mothers on this planet.

Most mothers on the earth today are poor, uneducated, and deeply in love with their children. And they are buried in shame and silence.

So Mommy Bloggers, please - take a moment to look and see the mommys who ring up your groceries, who clean the toilets at your children's preschool, who empty the waste baskets in your husband's office. See them, notice them, reach out a hand.

They are Mommys, too.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Is Your Marriage Making You Sick?

Is Your Marriage Making You Sick?



I think this is highly relevant to step-moms. I like the idea of thinking about hurtful comments as preventing healing.

'I need to think about what I'm doing to my health and my partner's health and make sure I'm fighting well to stay well.'

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

*waves*

So I'm still here... Alive and kicking. Things are better. I upped my anti-depressants, and even though it's supposed to take a few weeks for things to start working, I feel 100% better. It's made a huge difference. Even though my goal was to go off of them, I have to recognize when I need help. I was miserable before.

Thank you for all of you comments, support and suggestions. Husband and I are in counseling. We actually share a counselor - sometimes we go together, other times in separate. It's pretty unusual to have the same therapist for each person AND to see that person for couples counseling, but it works for us. I've made a commitment to go every week for the foreseeable future. I think it's what my brain needs. Husband went two weeks in a row, and then will be going back next week. It might be time for another session together - because while we aren't fighting all the time, there's just this lack of energy that I don't like.

I am ready for change in my life right now. I'm currently on a waiting list for nursing school - at which time I will have to give up my full-time job. Not having income worries me, but I am so anxious to get back into school. I spent 2008 doing pre-requisites for the program and before that I was in grad school for 2 years. But I haven't really gone to school every day since my undergraduate days. I think it will be a nice change of pace. OF course, homework and tests will be icky - but I will be one step closer to my career goals. Crossing fingers for an earlier start date for nursing school - I'm ready to dive in.

I was catching up on my step-mom blogs today and read something from The 3-for-1 Deal. I really liked it and it summed up how I feel most days:

I started talking about how hard it is for me to feel like an outsider at times, and uncomfortable in my own home, not having control over schedules and my life.

I feel very powerless many times in my role as step-mom. There are things that I can control, but many things that I cannot make decisions about. I've been more open about talking with the older kids about this feeling and how challenging it is to be a step-mom. I'm trying to find that balance between sharing my experience with them and overburdening them. I generally let them come to me and ask questions, and then I take the time to educate them. One day at a time.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

mistake

What if I made a mistake? A huge unalterable mistake? One that I can’t take back… ? People might say that it’s reversible, maybe you just got it wrong. But it feels as permanent to me as if I killed someone. That finished. That done. That complete.

He says I’ve given up. That I’m not trying. Are you kidding me? I’m trying everyday. Maybe it’s the meds. I pretty much off my anti-depressants now. The smallest possible dose that they make – split in half. Maybe that’s why things are so sideways. Maybe it’s my fault for trying to go off them. Maybe I was fooling myself into thinking that I could live without them. I just wanted to see what my brain, my mood, the real ME was like without the drugs in my system. Is it my fault? Or were the cracks already there? Is there anyway to repair them?

It feels like there’s no release valve. No way to stem the pressure. Like there is this rush of water coming, and I’ve got nowhere to direct it and I have to just stand there while it rises around me.

Am I really that demanding? That insensitive? That unaware? I don’t feel like I am. Ugg.

How did this get so out of hand? When did it go so wrong? When did I stop being happy in this marriage? And love? It’s buried somewhere underneath, and that’s why I don’t give up. That’s why I don’t just throw in the towel and say that we tried but it’s just not there anymore.

Maybe it’s the depression.

Friday, May 7, 2010

better?

So I'm better. I think. Things seem to have settled down a bit at our house. Things with the husband are better and I have made some changes.

Basically, I'm not going to worry about things that have nothing to do with me. Husband needs to get plates, cups etc for SS7's (almost 8!) birthday party -- and waits until the last minute? Not my problem. I'm not going to remind him 1,000 times like before. If he asks for my help and I have time to run errands, then I am more than happy to do so. But if he fails to plan, not my problem... which bring me to my favorite quote:

"Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

I really need to start taking that to heart. The other thing that I'm not going to do anymore? Beg the kids to do their homework. I'm actually not even going to ask about it. If they want help, they can come to me. But it's husband's just to stay on top of the education of his kids. *sigh* He hates when I call them that. HIS kids. And while I LOVE them to death, sometimes I have to take a step back and realize that it's not my job to save them. I will love them and support them the best that I can, but I don't have to do everything. If someone wants me to review their homework, then I am all over that. But I won't beg and plead to sit down with them to review the math test that they failed (again).

A small part of me feels bad (and even wicked) for taking this step back. These kids have been given the short end of the stick - through not fault of their own. But I'm not going to do things that I don't want to do anymore. I will read to them every night, I will take them to the park, kiss them good-night -- but I will not bend over backwards to do everything for them. I guess that's how I would want to be with my own bio-kids anyways. I want them to have th skills to ask for help when they need it and not rely on my for everything. I won't remind them 1,000 times to take their sports equipment with them - if they forget then I guess they don't get to practice that day.

Stepping back is incredibly healthy for me -- but hard. I hate watching things go to shit. I sometimes feel like I want to grab a megaphone and shout, "Excuse me, but you're about to totally screw this up! Warning! Warning! Take action now to avoid certain failure!"

But it's working. Granted, I've been taking this stance for about a week now, but it's helping. Let's see if I can hang in there.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

gratitude

Thank you, honestly. To each and every one of you for commenting. I cannot imagine how much it means to me. Today feels a little better than yesterday. Because of your encouragement, I am going to the Open House tonight. I'm going to hug the kids and tell them that I love them. Because they are what matters.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

i feel like i am right on the edge. i don't know what to do. i feel like i'm not understood. apparently i'm throwing a pitty party too.

after last week's mess (BM having a sit down with husband, apparently the two older ones "told" her that they think their dad loves me more than them and that i'm mean and criticism them too much) it just keeps on coming. SD10 is having serious anxiety issues right now, and i'm working with her in a workbook for kids. she tells me that her mom says she doesn't like me, doesn't like me being her step-mom and that they aren't allowed to talk about me in their house. i just listened. while i boiled inside.

i got upset, told husband that i don't want to go to the school's open house tomorrow, i don't even want to be near her. it's so unfair (yes yes i know, life's not fair), so vilifying, totally undermining everything that i do for these kids. so backwards and hurtful. most people would say to ignore it - but it's hard when you love these little people so much and you see someone poisoning them with hate. i have never spoken out of turn about BM in front of them. i have made a lot of mistakes, but i have never done that. i always ask about their time with her, listen to tell describe how their mom told them she doesn't have money. get excited with them when they share that they are getting bunk beds at her house.

maybe someone reading this will understand why it hurts so much. i can't brush it off. i can't let it go. it hurts so much. because i can't defend myself. i can't talk with the kids about what their mother says and why it might hurt me. they love her and are loyal to her. i understand that. but to feel so defenseless. that's the right word. DEFENSELESS. like my back is against a wall, i'm trapped. like i can see the solution but it's not within my reach.

the worst? when i told husband what SD10 said, he didn't believe that BM would do that. he said that he'd confronted her about it and she denied it - so SD10 must be making it up... or something. i couldn't believe it. she lies all the fucking time. he said he even asked her about it when they had their in-person talk last week. she said she has never told the kids that she doesn't like me. lie. lie lie. i got so upset last night. he emailed her again today and confronted her about it. she denied it again and then went off on him. only because of her attack on him did he actually believe that SD10 was telling the truth.

i can't go to the open house tomorrow. i'm too hurt. defeated. crushed. but i'm so sad, depressed, in tears because i will miss seeing the kids rooms, listening to them sing their songs and just miss out. the thought of being there is so anxiety producing, but the thought of missing it hurts like nothing i could have ever imagined. it's like i can't breathe. they are my world. i cannot imagine my life without them. i don't have bio-kids, but they say that you can love them ever more -- i don't think my heart could stand it. i can't imagine loving little people more than i love these three. but i can't continue to be beaten down. it's hard to keep my head up when i can sense the hate from her. when i see them pull back or start to say something that shows they see their mom in her true light.

i just wish i could tell them. that it hurts. that i don't think it's fair. that i wish someone would stand up for me to their mom. but they can't do that - they shouldn't have to. if BM denies it - how do you get around it? should i just get over it? should i ignore it? something about this hurts way too much to be able to brush it aside. i can feel this cold, aching depression sinking in on me. it's like a ton of bricks sitting my chest. suffocating me. crushing every bit of energy out of me. i don't know how to move out from under it. it's like i said above: i'm trapped under this feeling. i don't see any way of getting around it. i don't know how to repair this tear in my heart. nothing in my psychology training has trained me for this. i can help SD10 with her anxiety, ask the right questions and guide her to feel better. but this? this is insane.

i don't WANT to leave. i don't WANT to give up on this marriage. i don't WANT to give up on the kids. i'm here because i want to be. this is where i belong. i know that. i just don't know how to get out of this corner.

i started Stepmonster last night, at the suggestion of many of you. it's amazing. but hard to read. it's like a voice is shouting from a megaphone: "you're not crazy! these things are happening to you! stick with it!" and while that's helpful... i'm not unstuck.

husband is not getting me at all right now. i ordered him his own copy of the book. let's see if he actually reads it. it's like, as all of this comes to a head, he's suddenly lost any sense of what i'm going through. telling me to calm down. that i'm having a pity party. are you kidding me? i keep telling him that he has no idea what it's like for me, and he insists that he does. seriously? something is seriously wrong here, because he doesn't have a clue.

i need him to do something. call her on her shit. go get some counseling with her. because things are not working. at all. she's poisoning them. i want to scream at her "what the hell are you doing?! you think this is a good idea?!" and i can't do anything. i can't stop it. i won't be able to stop the eventual realization that they all have about her either. i can't save them, i can't rescue them. their parents made terribly shitty choices with their lives and these three have to pay for it.

and i can't explain this to the kids. i can't tell them why i am so sad. i can't be authentic with them, which is what i always prided myself in being. i answer the tough questions. i talk about sex, drugs and alcohol when they ask. i don't shy away from the messy things. but i have stayed clear of undermining their mom. it's like this line that i cannot cross. no matter how much i want to.

husband has stormed out of the house - again. awesome. i suggested to him that she was still controlling him and he didn't like that. but it's true - he's afraid of her. he says he can't do anything. he says that he's defended me. he says he'll make an appointment with a mediator and change the child support settlement. he doesn't he won't. we'll keep paying her too much in child support, while she works less than 40 hours a week. she'll continue to bash me in front of the kids.

blech. this sucks.

Friday, April 16, 2010

let's see

So let's see how far this post goes. I won't go into the background... at least not now. I can't. But it's brought a lot of truths about being a step-parent to the harsh light of day.

-No one understands. Period.
-I will never be able to tell my step-kids about the things that I gave up. I will never bring my first-born home to a house with just me and the husband. I will never stop explaining who belongs to who etc. I know that they are kids, but sometimes I wish I could just tell them how hard this is.
-I always thought (and I tell the kids this) that if you work hard enough and do your best, you can reach the top. Not so with step-parenting. You will never reach the top. It will never be good enough. You are constantly being judge. You cannot make mistakes.
-It's so tempting to give up. To throw your hands in the air and say "Enough!" If I am making you so unhappy and being too hard on you then I will stop. I will stop asking you to show my your tests from school (and going through the ones you missed with you). I will stop checking your backpack for notices from school that you might have forgotten to give us (because we all know that your dad won't check). I won't tell you "No" when you ask if you can watch TV - I'll just turn it on whenever you want, regardless of whether you are far below grade level at school or not. I won't have high expectations of you. I will be happy with whatever grades you come home with. I guess that means I Will stop being invested.

Now, I realize that all of this isn't their fault. Actually NONE of this is their fault. They ARE just kids. But the hard part, is that I don't have an outlet for my frustrations and rantings (no matter how outrageous or mean they might be). It's just not okay to say. I wish I could tell them how much I love them and that I hate to see them hurt -- AND tell them that this wasn't my first choice either. That life doesn't always turn out how you imagined - but we'll make the best of it.

Arg, I feel like this post is going nowhere. It's like my parenting is being judged 24/7, I cannot make a mistake. Even if I apologize right away. For example (and I am so ashamed to even write this), last week about 20 minutes before the husband was going to drop the kids at BMs, they were driving me crazy. One was kneeling on the top of the couch, others bickering at eachother, and I said, "I really can't wait until you guys leave." *gulp* I know, I know. Terrible. Worst person ever. I apologized a few minutes later, saying that it wasn't an okay thing to say and explaining that I was frustrated and tired. Well... guess who it goes back it? Arg. I can't even apologize and keep things in this house......

Okay, sorry to the two people who will read this. I'm spent. I'm just lost right now.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

other considerations

It's interesting how information seems to find you at the right time. While I continue to wrestle over what to do about my name, an interesting article pops up on my Google Reader: Take Your Husband's Name and Take a Salary Cut. In addition to some of the judgments that people make about women who either change or don't change their names, another point that I hadn't thoguht about was made:

"I'm interested to know more about the negative consequences of changing one's name and then "vanishing" from sources of past accomplishments that would otherwise be searchable on-line (what employer doesn't google their prospective applicant) or through other publications. In this case, the woman must either (a) continually cite her previous name to maintain the digital trail, or (b) accept that the advantages of having a digital trail may be lost."

Just more to consider. *sigh* Probably my favorite article on the subject is one from Salon. Of course, none of these articles discuss step-parents and the unique challenges and considerations we face.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

the name game

I'm trying to decide what to do about my name. Specially, where my husband's name fits in.

*sigh* I've been wanting to write about this for a while on here, and try to get some ideas/support from other step-moms. My friends don't understand ("Either change your name or don't, I think you're over-thinking this"), my sister just thinks I should just change it ('cause that's what you do) and my husband wants me to change it.

First off, I like my last name. It works well with my first name and I'm used to writing it. It's the name that's on my BA and MA degrees and what I am known as professionally. It's on my credit cards, social security, driver's license, bank checks etc. It's also my identity - how I'm known in this world. Plus, BM still has the husband's last name. Barf.

On the other side of the argument are several other issues. I was once called the husband's ex-wife since we don't have the same last name and they assumed we were not married. Yes, something I can easily correct someone about, but still - annoying. I have to clarify who I am all the time: when I write checks for the kids' activities, sign up for field trips, sign them up for activities etc. I WANT to be associated with them (I'm sure that will change when they are all teenagers, but for now at least). I want to be a part of them, as much as I can be. And be being a ______ (last name here), it might feel more like it. Not that the kids ever make me feel like I'm not in the family, but for some reason this name thing keeps bugging me.

So initially, I thought I had it all figured out. I would keep my first name and last name, but change my middle name to my husband's. That way, I can use just my first and middle name at school with the kids but use my given name professionally. But now I'm not liking that. I'm almost leaning towards using two last names. Has anyone else out there done that? Not really hyphenating them, but doing it in more of a Latin-American way: First Name / Middle Name / Last Name / Husband's Last Name . But will that really fit on ANY form that I have to fill out?

Arg - on top of all this, I'm just frustrated that I can't figure it out. Why can't I make a decision about this? Shouldn't I just *know* what to do? I just feel like the husband's last name will never feel like mine or sound right (both my name and the husband's last name start with the same letter) - but maybe I'm just being weird about it. I have a friend who was married in late 2008 and now her married name seems to fit her just fine. Would that happen to me if I just took my husband's name?

Suggestions? What did you do? Any other blogs that you can point me to? I'm really wanting to get some resolution to this issue.

___

Just checked out some great posts at "With Eyes Wide Open". Very helpful. Hopefully she doesn't mind me posting the links -- if so, please send me a nasty email. :-P

http://witheyeswideopen2.blogspot.com/2009/06/name-game.html

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

challenged

I'm struggling with the husband right now. We keep having the same fight over and over again. While the trigger is different, the feelings and emotions are the same each time. It basically boils down to me feeling lied to because he says that he will take care of something, and then it doesn't happen. When I ask him why something was not done, he doesn't have an answer. He usually says nothing or says that he's getting better at follow-through. Arg. But better isn't good enough. I've asked for more follow-through on his part for over a year and it just doesn't happen. Today - he was all over his to-do list, because he knows I'm angry and tired of it. Which was great, but next week, who knows? I have made it clear to him and our therapist that I don't expect (or even really want) perfection, but that I expect him to follow-through on what he says he's going to do and not take on tasks that he has no intention of completing.

The hard part of all this for me is the way he responds when I bring this up. As previously mentioned, sometimes he doesn't reply to my inquiries about why something didn't get done or he claims to be getting better. He might also mention that he doesn't get recognition for the things that he does do - which is just annoying. If I asked for a pat on the back from him every time I remembered to do something for the family, then he might as well super glue his hand to my back. He doesn't seem to get that there are just some things that you have to do for your family without expecting credit for it. You'd think that he would have this concept down already, as his oldest is 12 yo... but who knows.

I also hear things like, "That's not fair" or "You're being mean." But am I? Am I being unfair or mean? I honestly don't think so. And this is where the crazy-making comes in. I've been going to therapy for more than a decade now, I think that I can identify when I am fooling myself (I also have a therapist and friends who serve as great bullshit detectors). He just gets so defensive. My theory? The honest answer as to why he didn't do something is that it didn't serve him in any way, he didn't get anything out of it, or it wasn't fun. Which is why I sometimes get silence when I ask about things - he doesn't have a good answer. He's blind to this reasoning though, which makes arguing with him like trying to reason with a 4 year old.

Our most recent spat was about thank you notes (I know, I know, lame). I reminded him that he still has some to do from the wedding (I wrote the thank yous to my friends and family, while he was responsible for his). I asked him it he was aware that it was rude to not write a thank you note for the gifts that we were given. His answer: "Well I've never written thank you notes to my family members, I just said thank you in person or over the phone." Ummm some of these people gave us as much as $500, so yes, you do have to write a thank you note. I hated it as a child, but my parents made sure that we wrote thank you notes to everyone, for everything. I have recently gotten back into it as an adult. I also jut had someone comment about how good and sister and I were about writing thank yous, and how much they appreciate it. Anyways, the husband could not be convinced that it might be a good idea to stop whining and write the notes. I think that he will eventually, but only to shut me up about it. Not because he realizes that it's the right thing to do.... arg.

So on top of all this, the husband is setting aside our fight (like we agreed), until Thursday's therapy. BUT at the same time, he's wants to smooch and cuddle like everything is normal. I'm tired of the crazy-making that's going on. It makes me feel like a witch... so I have to step back and try to convince myself that I'm really not asking for that much. And trying desperately to not be my mother... goodness, will that fear ever dissipate?

Off the dinner.... Therapy on Thursday - I'm actually looking forward to it. Sorry if this rambled and didn't make sense, it's kind of what my head feels like.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

ramble

So I usually have something on my mind or otherwise important (to me at least) to share here. Today I just feel like writing. My apologies if it comes out like word vomit.

The husband and I leave in two days for our honeymoon, and time could not be moving more s-l-o-w-l-y. This is getting painful. Really, only 2pm right now? I feel like I've been awake for days. Bring on the vacation. I plan to load up my iPod with awesome podcasts (currently loving This American Life) and my Kindle with a few good books. But mostly I plan to drink and eat a lot. And sleep. I feel like these are good goals.

I'm here because I am also avoiding studying for the TEAS - Test of Essential Academic Skills - which is a pre-test for nursing school. They really should name it the "Did you go to high school and some college?" test. I feel like I've got most of the it down. The only part is the chemistry and physics. Everything else I know and remember. You only have to get a 67% - seriously? If I do much much better than that, can they move me up on the waiting list? So, I think I'm good to go on this, but I still get nervous. Still thinking that this would be a great chance to study the math part, but instead I am procrastinating on a million other things. I can't wait to go back to school and make procrastinating my full-time job. :-)

BM is being a nightmare. She's very clueless. L was supposed to take his costume for the school play to school on Monday. The kids were with her over the weekend. Husband gave her the paper, said, "You'll need to take care of this," and she said she would. Then we get an email from the teacher yesterday asking about the costume -- since she didn't do it! Arg. She flips a bitch, acting like no one told her this was her job, ASSUMED that we did it and then blamed husband for not being clear. She wrote a ranting email about how she's a good mom, how the children were "ripped" from her body and how much she worked for them. Are you kidding me? Seriously? She is a big reason why they are so far behind in school. She's the one without a thermometer at her house to check them when they are feeling feverish. She's the one who doesn't have kid books at her house and leaves the TV on all the time for them. She also wrote in the email that she was up until almost 10pm with M (age 12) working on her homework with her. Really? I doubt that it took that long. Either M isn't taking responsibility for getting her work done or BM is too stupid to actually be any help. Arg. What a witch.

Okay enough negative energy. I'm going to study... or possibly procrastinate more.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

husband quote

"Her reality is unimportant."

Good thought - I'm tired of thinking and worrying about what BM thinks of me. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know how attached the kids are to me. Her thoughts about entitlement etc are meaningless to me. All I have to do is love my husband and the kids. Simple as that.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Sanda Bullock


If you missed the Oscars last night, google Sanda Bullock's acceptance speech. I LOVED her statement about mothers on the someecard.com card above. She's a step-mom who's been dealing with a porn star, drug addict BM (this one actually sounds worse than the one I deal with).

The kiddos were in bed by the time her award came up, but I plan to show them her acceptance speech, along with Katherine Bigelow's win for the first female Best Director honoree.

Friday, February 26, 2010

email from the BM to husband

i am no longer attending conferences with you..just thought you should know. It's is my job to co-parent with you not you and (stepmom). I have already told you that having her there over steps the lines of what her role is. I tried it once and am not willing to do it again. Since you will not respect me as the mother then this is what is going to happen. BM

Sooooooo yeah - about that whole thing where I write her an email and try to make peace? [see yesterday's 2nd post] I don't think that it would be successful. We attended conferences together in the fall and I thought that things went okay. We all participated, and while BM didn't say anything to me, there was no drama and we were all able to participate.

Here's the problem with her "decision": conferences are next week. She tried to pull the same crap last year and the teacher's rejected her request since these are student-led conferences and the teachers don't have time to do two conferences per kid. Way to plan ahead BM. Nice work. I even asked the girls if it was okay with them if I attended and told them why I was excited to participate. They both said that they were fine with me being there. While the husband doesn't think that I needed to ask them, I thought it would be a good idea and a sign to them that I respect them and their choices. Yes, I would have been crushed if they had said "No," but I wanted to at least have their permission in case BM came back with the assertion that the kids didn't want me there anyways.

Gosh and don't get me started about how I am "over step the lines of what (my) role is." First off -- it doesn't make sense the way she typed it, but whatever. You can't fault someone with her intelligence level. *sigh* Okay - enough with the cattiness. Ummmm I thought that my role was to love the kids, take care of them, provide for them emotionally, physically, help them with homework etc. And then I don't get to attend conferences? Are you kidding me? I do more for them than she ever has. I read to them every night (something that never happened when they were little). I've turned our house into a 'no TV zone' since I know that they watch a TON with her. E's teacher was impressed by how strong she started off the school year, considering that it's taken her until after winter break to get into the groove in previous school years... I wonder what the difference could be? Could it be the kick-butt woman in her life? The one who signed her up for soccer, reads to her each night, expects the most from her? Eh - probably not. It must be something BM is doing.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

the dark side....

In response to: http://labellemereuk.blogspot.com/2010/02/going-over-to-darkside.html

Wow.. after an evening at a school play feeling like an outside (again), this post is making me think... I think that I like to make excuses as to why this could never happen for me. Is it possible? Is there hope for peace? I totally agree with the author that life would be less stressful and easier if there was peace. But really? How? Write an email? Send a letter? I don't even know how to begin. That first step seems like stepping into hot lava.

Part of me wants to act like a child around this, "Why should I have to take the first step? Why can't she?" But that will never get us anywhere. But the risk involved feels too great. I already have massive anxiety surrounding rejection whenever the kids are with her -- do I really want to compound this by making myself even more vulnerable to her (the evil one who I hate)? My mature, Master's in clinical psychology side says to take the risk: write an email. Invite her for a drink. But god - I would so rather drink a glass of poison.

And if it works? What if she isn't as evil and terrible as I think she is? What if everything changes (again)? What if.... nothing changes? I feel like I am waiting for something to happen to signal that it's the right time to approach the beast. The wedding happened <1 week ago, and she's still freaked about that... so waiting a bit would be good (but am I now just making up more excuses)?

I know what the books say. I've read "No One's The Bitch," while agreeing with what they had to say, but at the same time thinking that my situation is soooooo different (it's probably not). *sigh* I don't know what to do around this. I'm so into my story of being the harding-working step-mom who has to pick up the slack of the bio-mom. It's a badge of courage almost - to be helping the kids when their mother fails. And if she's not that bad... then am I not this good?

picked last

Arg. Another situation where it is made clear that I am the outsider. M had her school play tonight, and BM is there (it's her night with the kids). I get cranky anytime that I have to be in the same room as her - I'm edgy and snappy the entire 24 hours prior to any type of meeting. She's the proof, the embodiment of what I am not. I am not their mother. Doesn't matter if I'm a better educator, more consistent, more reliable and a better provider - none of it matters when she is in the room. It's like I disappear. No matter that I might have soothed one of the kids the night before, SHE'S number one. I feel resentful. Part of me want to get grumpy with the kids for ignoring me, but I know that they (mostly E) are aware that their mom is threatened by me. I know that they are just protecting her. But I'm still pissed and hurt. Suddenly because she's around I become a non-human? I feel like I can't feel let down or disappointed, because of course they will choose their mom. So I don't get feelings. I can't share with them that it's hard sometimes or that my feelings were hurt. And I know it wouldn't be fair to tell them either, since they are torn in too. Sometimes I just want to be chosen.

Sorry that this is rambling and I'm sorry if I come off like a bitch. Really not meaning to. It just sucks to get picked last.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

wedding!



The wedding was amazing. Everything went wonderfully and the kids had a great time. Now I'm trying to be patient and wait for all of the pictures to come back from the photographer. She sent us a sneak peak last night though. This is one of my favorites!

SD10 even came home last night and yelled into the house, "Hello step-mom!"

I couldn't be happier. Now I'm just looking forward to cleaning the house and getting our lives back in order.

Monday, February 15, 2010

more often

So I really am going to try to write more. At least it gets the icky thoughts out of my head. That's important these days.

While the husband and I are legally married already (shhh don't tell the kids, the BM, or either of our parents), our wedding is this Saturday. I'm finally really excited about it, as are the kids. It will be nice to finally have this all done and we can move on with our lives. Weddings are fun, but they take up a lot of mental energy. I'm excited to have all of that brain space back.

BM is trying to be the center of attention this week. Nice try. Not going to work dearest. We know what you're up to and we're not going to put up with it anymore. Enough is enough. You evil, mean person. Gosh, I feel like a middle-schooler again. Wanting to scream, "I win! Now leave us alone!" right into her face. *sigh* But I guess I'm an adult now, so such behavior is strictly prohibited. Doesn't mean that it wouldn't feel amazing to do.

I've bought each of the kids scrapbooks and written them letters that will go on the first page. Once we get the wedding pictures back, I'll take some time with each kid and complete them. They're only 10 pages each and they will be mostly pictures. But I want them to have something that's theirs after this is all over. I know that the letters will mean something different to each of them, and I hope that the meaning changes as they grow older. They are such special and unique kids. I'm so lucky to have them in my life.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

suggestions needed

Looking for suggestions: wanting to get something nice for my stepkids for the wedding? I want to get them something special. The girls wear necklaces, but tend to lose them... and that wouldn't work for E. I know that I want to write each of them a letter (SS7's will probably wait until much later for him to read), maybe write a letter and frame it along with a picture of us from the wedding... agg! I usually wait to buy gifts until I get inspired, but I'm running out of time. Ideas?

I thankfully have great relationships with all of them, so that makes the buying easier.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

"This is, like, the best sleepover ever!"


Today is SD12's 10th birthday. Two of her friends are over (one spending the night, one getting picked up later). They're watching a movie and eating ice cream. SD12's having such a great time. It's nice to see her so happy and relaxed. She worries about everyone else so often, it's nice to see her being a normal kiddo.

I made her cake - she requested a 'smiley face cake'. Thank goodness, this is my first go-around with cake decorating, all I needed to do was not screw up the eyes and mouth. Mission accomplished.

We decorated the house. Nothing too exciting, paper streamers and balloons. But E was pretty excited about - she even said, "Wow, this looks really good, thanks D." I got lots of hugs and lots of praise for being the "best step-mom ever."

The husband and I gave SD12 $50 to spend on the micro-lending website Kiva . She's been talking a lot about how she's too little to make a difference, and I wanted to show her that that's not true. Once we got our money back, she can lend it to someone else. She thought it was pretty cool. But yes, we're taking her to Build-A-Bear tomorrow so she can build something. :-)

Good day. Really good day.

P.S.
Pic attached. Sorry for the blurring, you're missing out on how cute she is - but I want to protect her privacy. :-)

Thursday, January 7, 2010

culture clash

*sigh* No amount of graduate school work could have prepared me for this.

I'm white. I'm as white and as Californian as they come. Growing up, we lived 300 miles away from our nearest blood relatives - and I saw them once or twice a year. Not really a big deal. I haven't seen most of the aunts, uncles nor my paternal grandmother is almost a year. I'm not even sure if I've met all of my mom's brothers. When we visit each other, we stay in hotels (or in our case, in our motor home outside their home). We visit for short stretches, have a few formal-ish dinners and that's about it. We don't get in each other's business, but offer support when needed.

My husband is Mexican. He was born in Mexico and moved to the US full-time when he was in middle school. His family moved here because his father was getting a PhD in chemistry. Most of his maternal family lives about 3 hours from us and his parents live in town. *sigh* When the husband and the BM got pregnant (at 19 and 20 years old), my husband's parents stepped up and helped raise the kids. After the divorce they helped even more. So the kids and grandparents are used to week-night sleep overs, weekend sleepovers etc. Husband's mother begs to have the kids over. Which is great - when we need a break or have an appointment, they are there. But sometimes they are a little TOO there. We haven't seen the kids since they went to school on Tuesday morning - BM has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, barf. And the husband was ready to let the kids sleepover at his parents tomorrow night. Which means not seeing them for THREE DAYS. Ummm so not good with me. I want to see them. Check in with them about how their weeks went etc. PARENT them ourselves.

I don't get this whole extended family raising kids thing. I don't like it either. Too out of control - too much TV over there (we do basically none). Too much hand holding and babying that goes on - let them make mistakes for crying out loud! They have this ownership over the kids that I don't like. If they want to have kids there all the time, adopt. I want to spend time with them! It would be different if we had the kids 100% of the time, then it's not a big deal. But we are going to be seeing so little of them that I don't want to lose time with them. It sucks. But I feel like I can't speak up too much since "I'm not their mom." Shouldn't I crave alone time with the husband like all the step-parenting books say? Is it weird that I like to do things together, as a family? Isn't that what it's supposed to be like?

I wonder how things will be when I have kids myself. Because I plan to raise them at home. Yes, visits to grandparents, but they won't have a room there! That's strange to me. I want my little house and my little family - without so many hands in the pot. I just want to be left along to raise kids. Is that too much to ask? Or am I being selfish?