Oh goodness... I don't know even where to begin. I can feel the downward pull of depression in the pit of my stomach. It's that awful darkness that I know many people experience. I guess the one positive is that I am recognizing it right away.
Custody changed last week. We went from our hodgepodge weeks (with us having 60% physical custody), to 50/50, with kids being at each house of a week at a time. Three days a week, I am now the picker-upper from school, homework witch, snack-maker and overall evil person. Yesterday was day two. And I was awful. Rude kids, teenage glaring and general disrespect hovered over my entire afternoon. By the time my husband arrived home, I was depressed, angry, in pain, resentful and so over it. Angry because I wasn't involved with the kids when they were little, when they were starting to read and learn how to do schoolwork independently. In pain because of my chronic pain issues, currently affecting my hip and leg. And over it because I'm tired of asking for respect.
I realize that I've been quite lucky. These kids are generally good. They are just poisoned by their mother against their father and me. They feel sorry for her because of her health issues. They complain about the new schedule (we don't get to see our mom all week) - with now thought or comment about the fact that they won't see their dad for a week at a time either. And yes, the older two will text their mom the entire time they are here, while we get radio silence.
My husband has been so-so. He's stressed like I am. I'm burnt out and angry. I can't support him or even myself. He thinks I'm being short and taking it out on him. I'm angry because I don't feel acknowledged for taking on this respondsibility. One kid is being a pain about doing his homework, and I've just given up. I will help people who are nice to me. That's it.
And then the big stressor. Husband went to a mediator to see how child support will change as a result of the 50/50 custody. And we are now paying $2100/month. So over $25,000 a year will go to someone who is on disability from work... But can somehow take care of three children and has no problem taking our money. I don't think that there is anything that we can do about it. A formula is used in California to calculate child support based on percentages and income of each parent. So we get fucked because she's such a loser. If anyone has suggestions, please let me know.
So I'm trying to stay afloat here. Had a job interview on Tuesday, which would be awesome to get. School is done in 5 weeks and I will go crazy without a job. Just need some distraction....