*sigh* No amount of graduate school work could have prepared me for this.
I'm white. I'm as white and as Californian as they come. Growing up, we lived 300 miles away from our nearest blood relatives - and I saw them once or twice a year. Not really a big deal. I haven't seen most of the aunts, uncles nor my paternal grandmother is almost a year. I'm not even sure if I've met all of my mom's brothers. When we visit each other, we stay in hotels (or in our case, in our motor home outside their home). We visit for short stretches, have a few formal-ish dinners and that's about it. We don't get in each other's business, but offer support when needed.
My husband is Mexican. He was born in Mexico and moved to the US full-time when he was in middle school. His family moved here because his father was getting a PhD in chemistry. Most of his maternal family lives about 3 hours from us and his parents live in town. *sigh* When the husband and the BM got pregnant (at 19 and 20 years old), my husband's parents stepped up and helped raise the kids. After the divorce they helped even more. So the kids and grandparents are used to week-night sleep overs, weekend sleepovers etc. Husband's mother begs to have the kids over. Which is great - when we need a break or have an appointment, they are there. But sometimes they are a little TOO there. We haven't seen the kids since they went to school on Tuesday morning - BM has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, barf. And the husband was ready to let the kids sleepover at his parents tomorrow night. Which means not seeing them for THREE DAYS. Ummm so not good with me. I want to see them. Check in with them about how their weeks went etc. PARENT them ourselves.
I don't get this whole extended family raising kids thing. I don't like it either. Too out of control - too much TV over there (we do basically none). Too much hand holding and babying that goes on - let them make mistakes for crying out loud! They have this ownership over the kids that I don't like. If they want to have kids there all the time, adopt. I want to spend time with them! It would be different if we had the kids 100% of the time, then it's not a big deal. But we are going to be seeing so little of them that I don't want to lose time with them. It sucks. But I feel like I can't speak up too much since "I'm not their mom." Shouldn't I crave alone time with the husband like all the step-parenting books say? Is it weird that I like to do things together, as a family? Isn't that what it's supposed to be like?
I wonder how things will be when I have kids myself. Because I plan to raise them at home. Yes, visits to grandparents, but they won't have a room there! That's strange to me. I want my little house and my little family - without so many hands in the pot. I just want to be left along to raise kids. Is that too much to ask? Or am I being selfish?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
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*raises my hand* I'm mexican. That's what ALOT of us do. We are super close, we love our old people, we drop everything and anything for the family. The kids stay with grandma and grandpa during summers and overnights to the point of suffication. 34 years old and i still go to the bathroom with my mom, my sister who is 29 is the same way.
ReplyDeleteMy grandpa who we live with is almost 90 yrs old, my daugheter is almost 4. He still calls her his little baby. He still treats her like shes a little baby. Which makes my job as a parent 10x as hard, but that's who we are.
I read your other post about not being real touchy feely and I felt bad for you. In our "mexican" family we are all over each other. We all but sit on each other.
Before you have children, remember this is who they are and they arent going to change. They will always be there and in your business lol. It can suck, but its family..whatcha going to do lol.
ps.
As I type this I am currently hiding out from my mother and grandfather lol..but it doesn't always work so well someone will be hollerin for my attention in a minute lol.
Good luck!
My family is from Portugal (typical New Englanders!) and they are much the same way. It was an open door policy when we were growing up: aunts, uncles, grandparents, even close friends of the family all helped to raise us. When my great-grandparents moved here, they bought a huge plot of land and built a farm, which later became subdivided into plots for their 9 children. Now, that farm is a street in the town that is occupied by various family members. They have a whole street!!! It is very much a cultural thing, which I'm sure is really hard to understand if you did not grow up that way. Enjoy the time with your husband, speak up about your feelings. You may not be able to change it, but you shouldn't keep it bottled in.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog today and I love it! Thanks for sharing!
I just found your blog & I have to comment :). Be thankful you have family around to help raise these children! I'm an "extra mom" - living with their father but not married - and I would die to have more family around to help. I'm not Latina but I do have friends who are & I'm so jealous of their closeness to family of all generations. I get that you're not exactly excited with all the time the kids are away from you but trust me - in the long run it is so much more beneficial to the children to have so much family around..just my $0.02.
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