So I'm better. I think. Things seem to have settled down a bit at our house. Things with the husband are better and I have made some changes.
Basically, I'm not going to worry about things that have nothing to do with me. Husband needs to get plates, cups etc for SS7's (almost 8!) birthday party -- and waits until the last minute? Not my problem. I'm not going to remind him 1,000 times like before. If he asks for my help and I have time to run errands, then I am more than happy to do so. But if he fails to plan, not my problem... which bring me to my favorite quote:
"Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."
I really need to start taking that to heart. The other thing that I'm not going to do anymore? Beg the kids to do their homework. I'm actually not even going to ask about it. If they want help, they can come to me. But it's husband's just to stay on top of the education of his kids. *sigh* He hates when I call them that. HIS kids. And while I LOVE them to death, sometimes I have to take a step back and realize that it's not my job to save them. I will love them and support them the best that I can, but I don't have to do everything. If someone wants me to review their homework, then I am all over that. But I won't beg and plead to sit down with them to review the math test that they failed (again).
A small part of me feels bad (and even wicked) for taking this step back. These kids have been given the short end of the stick - through not fault of their own. But I'm not going to do things that I don't want to do anymore. I will read to them every night, I will take them to the park, kiss them good-night -- but I will not bend over backwards to do everything for them. I guess that's how I would want to be with my own bio-kids anyways. I want them to have th skills to ask for help when they need it and not rely on my for everything. I won't remind them 1,000 times to take their sports equipment with them - if they forget then I guess they don't get to practice that day.
Stepping back is incredibly healthy for me -- but hard. I hate watching things go to shit. I sometimes feel like I want to grab a megaphone and shout, "Excuse me, but you're about to totally screw this up! Warning! Warning! Take action now to avoid certain failure!"
But it's working. Granted, I've been taking this stance for about a week now, but it's helping. Let's see if I can hang in there.
Friday, May 7, 2010
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"Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."
ReplyDeleteWhat an absolutely accurate statement!
Glad to see you're feeling better!
I'm glad to see you are setting some boundaries for yourself. That whole martyrdom role is for the birds. I hope things continue to get better for you!
ReplyDeleteI love that quote! It's hard to stick with but oh-so-true.
ReplyDeleteI've recently decided that one of my new boundaries will be that I will not supervise punishments (always of Boy A - nobody else does anything wrong) while the Lovely Man isn't around.
Because guess who always ends up being the bad guy?
I love that statement and I'm going to use it on my kids because we are always having "emergencies"!
ReplyDeleteStepping back is going to save your sanity! I have to do that with homework too. It drives me crazy (as a former teacher!) but I've got to realize what my role is. I can encourage, but I cannot demand. And so that is what I do. The Kids are never going to learn if they don't fail sometimes...and you'll always be there to catch them if they fall hard.
ReplyDeleteYou should be proud of yourself!
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It is very hard to take a step back but in the end, it will save your sanity!
ReplyDeleteI am doing this as well. What I've learned is that his kids (my husband hates when I say this too, but let's face it - they are HIS kids)didn't want me to do it. They want their father involved and engaged in their lives. Now, I help when ask and leave the rest alone. I also make everyone pitch in around the house. I will no longer do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry while working two jobs. Everyone gets to help.
Stay strong. Your self-esteem is worth it!
"I sometimes feel like I want to grab a megaphone and shout, "Excuse me, but you're about to totally screw this up! Warning! Warning! Take action now to avoid certain failure!" "
ReplyDeleteOh, I had to laugh at this, because I am EXACTLY the same way. Keeping my mouth shut when I see someone doing something I think is doomed to fail is so hard. I bite my tongue and try to take a step back when my significant other is dealing with the lunacy of his ex, but sometimes it is impossible. I am still trying though!