What if I made a mistake? A huge unalterable mistake? One that I can’t take back… ? People might say that it’s reversible, maybe you just got it wrong. But it feels as permanent to me as if I killed someone. That finished. That done. That complete.
He says I’ve given up. That I’m not trying. Are you kidding me? I’m trying everyday. Maybe it’s the meds. I pretty much off my anti-depressants now. The smallest possible dose that they make – split in half. Maybe that’s why things are so sideways. Maybe it’s my fault for trying to go off them. Maybe I was fooling myself into thinking that I could live without them. I just wanted to see what my brain, my mood, the real ME was like without the drugs in my system. Is it my fault? Or were the cracks already there? Is there anyway to repair them?
It feels like there’s no release valve. No way to stem the pressure. Like there is this rush of water coming, and I’ve got nowhere to direct it and I have to just stand there while it rises around me.
Am I really that demanding? That insensitive? That unaware? I don’t feel like I am. Ugg.
How did this get so out of hand? When did it go so wrong? When did I stop being happy in this marriage? And love? It’s buried somewhere underneath, and that’s why I don’t give up. That’s why I don’t just throw in the towel and say that we tried but it’s just not there anymore.
Maybe it’s the depression.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
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I'm sorry that you're going thru this!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry too!
ReplyDeleteMay I ask? Do YOU think you've given up? From your last post, you were going to not take on everyone's problems (which is a good thing IMHO) and let them deal with things as much as possible. Maybe DH is feeling overwhelmed, wants things back the way it used to be (i.e., YOU did it), or maybe he's feeling pressured too.
Could you use his comments to try and get some joint counseling on how to deal with this?
I don't have any kids living with me full-time but I feel like I get sucked into their stuff a lot -- I KNOW you have it 1,000x worst. It's a big difference from living alone, on your own to taking on three kids at their ages.
Maybe you can have a date night with your husband and/or a time when you can do what you'd like to do. That might help too. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. Becoming an instant family is a huge adjustment. There will be times when you think it's a big mistake. I think all stepmoms have days where they question their sanity and think, "Why did I sign up for this?" I know I have.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up. This is just a speed bump in the road.
Find a way to reconnect with your husband. Lori's idea about having a date night is always good. The more alone time you can get with your husband, the better. You need to communicate more and often, and make sure your efforts are in line with his expectations. If you can get him to go to couples counseling, that would probably be a great tool to talk about some of your issues.
Keep blogging. It helps.
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. We started couples therapy as a pre-marital thing, but have gotten some great advice. #1 was date night. She said you have to keep dating your partner no matter what. And #2. The book The 5 Love Languages. It makes a TON of sense and we both got a copy and are plowing through it. If you decide to actually go to therapy I highly recommend making sure that you go to a woman who is familiar with stepfamilies. Good luck honey..BIG HUGS!
ReplyDeleteMy stepkids live with me full time and I really cherish any date night we can get. Would it be helpful to try and write things down? I know when I first moved in I wrote down reasons to stay and reasons to leave and it helped me put things in perspective. I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough go with it all. I'm with some of the above posts in have you considered couples counseling? It could definitely be helpful to the both of you to have that neutral party help each of you to see and understand each other.
ReplyDelete