Monday, September 20, 2010

she wrote back

Wow... I'm still trying to process this. Not sure what the write back. The ear infection that I currently have doesn't help matters either. Any suggestions?
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[myname]....I am going to go out on a limb here,
I am sorry. I am sorry for any hurt that I have caused you. I am sorry for any hurt that I have caused between you and Marco. I truly am. I wish I had the time to have gotten to known you before our worlds came colliding together. I believe it would have made all the difference in the world.
You don't even know me.... and I don't know you.
you only know what [husband] tells you and that's tainted, yes the angry, hurt, sad,bitter worn out [BM]. That person is so not me. I hate that person. Why do I end up being this person more than half the time when I talk to him?.... and then you have to hear about it so it then just can confirm what you think of me.....That's a very easy answer: it has nothing to do with you or him....I ache for my children. My heart is empty without them. I knew them before anyone did, they grew inside of me and after they were born when they opened up their big beautiful eyes I fell in love, a connection was made. I have never been the same after the divorce. For me it was about the loss of my children....yes I see them but not how I want or need to. So it becomes so painful for me and I am sorry I have let that pain over shadow all the good things you have done for my kids.
One day [stepmom] you will have the joy of caring a child and giving life to him or her and falling so in love that you think it's almost impossible to take your next breathe of air you're so taken back by the child's beauty.

You see those three Beautiful children: [SD12, SD10, SS8]
the lights of my life.... [husband] and I created those beings together
and I am just like them....just as he is.

I put ALL of who I was into [husband] and my kids, and so little into myself only to have my family slip through my own hands. Was I holding on too tight or not tight enough?? I can sum it up to one word: FEAR. THEN ~ it consumed me until I was not even recognizable, and NOW~ well I can see it and I don't want to live with it any longer.
It's time for me to let go.... and trust. I need to trust in [husband] again and you are his other half. With all my health problems I have, it's time. If something were to happen to me, I need to know that the woman [husband] has given his life to will give her life to my children and him and will be faithful and true...... So I am going to believe in you because [husband] believes in you. Not only that but because [husband] loves you with all of his heart. Changes will not happen over night because some wounds run deep but I am ready for them to heal. I will not let the fear of change or the type of loss i have gone through damage this family any longer on my end if I can help it.
I know this is alot to take in at one time.... but I need the both of you to be on board here. I can't change the way this family functions on my own. I can only change the way I function. We may need family therapy??? lol
so just breathe.....it's all we can do at times. It's ALL I can do at times.... just breathe.....

Point is I would like to start over with you, if you are willing.....

I love my children more than life it's self.... if you knew my background, my up bringing, you may just understand why I am so protective over my children and why I have build my walls so high. But I have to get over these feelings I guess.... who knows lol lol I'm willing to work on them an have already started the process.
It's only going to work if we all three are willing to do it together. I want the BEST not only for the kids but for everyone around them.
Small steps can lead to great things....

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I don't know even where to being. I'm scared that this is just a momentary respite from her crazy. So hurt, so angry.... I'm not sure if I can move forward. Suggestions?

10 comments:

  1. Well, she's not using the email to ask you to intervene with your husband about anything, or otherwise seeking a benefit, so that's a good sign.

    It must be scary, but it might be worth a try.

    Maybe the family therapy would be a good place to start - if you and her and your husband could sit together, a therapist could protect you from any crazy and help create boundaries. When there's been so much pain and hurt it can only improve by small steps, not all at once.

    If you want to work on things without a therapist, maybe you could write to her about how you're willing, but there's a lot of ground to make up with trust, and ask that you agree on one little (tiny!) area to work on together as a first step, for instance just practising friendly greetings at handover for a few weeks.

    Trying to revolutionise everything immediately could easily fail because it's such a big step and people go straight back to old patterns when they get stressed or overwhelmed.

    What do you think?

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  2. I say go to the therapist, that letter was scary to me. But then I lived with a crazy person and she wrote things like that so I'm biased. Start with therapy and then move to one on ones is my advice.

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  3. To me, it sounds like a lot of emotional excuses for very bad behavior. It may be sincere, but is her desire to change? I don't know. The only thing you can do is extend the olive branch to work together peacefully...and hope she doesn't stab you in the back.

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  4. Well my situation is completely different, but if it were to happen to me, I think I'd try to give her a chance... but be sure to take baby steps. An emotionally unstable woman is the WORST.

    - Good luck!

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  5. I think that reacting to this with anything but compassion would be a mistake. She's clearly trying here. She painted a not-very-pretty picture of herself here, letting it all hang out, so to speak. I think a harsh or curt reaction would serve to shut that door of vulnerability forever, and full-time crazy will take its place.
    I agree with Sharon skepticism about the reality of actual change occurring, but at least this is a start. This is someone whose entire identity is being the mom of these kids, and now. . .she's not really that. I mean, of course she is, but really. . .no, not in the practical sense. You are, and that's the ultimate hurt for her.
    She is honest that "changes will not happen overnight" and I imagine her progress will not be linear; there will be some slip-ups.
    Take the high road, show her that she did the right thing by opening up, and that you deserve her trust.
    The BM and I went through this kind of stuff a few years ago, and it wasn't pretty, but it's a lot harder for us to hate each other now, and now we're at the point where I can call her and say, "I'm not sure why, but I'm feeling really uncomfortable about [whatever situation] and I just wanted to talk through it with you" and we can come to a resolution. Now the BM treats me like more of a co-parent than my husband, but that's another problem!

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  6. Skipped over here from Sharon's blog (The StepMom Files).. I've read all your posts and Girl, I so feel your pain!!

    I so understand how you feel but if I was in your position (from your posts it seems like we're dealing with the same kind of Ex) .. I would go along with it. Not to would only be a bad reflection on you and give her leverage. I know that sounds child-ish but having been in your situation I know that I have to always stay one step ahead of her.. it's exhausting to always play "the game" .. but in this case, if she is sincere it's a win.. if she isn't, then at least you can't be faulted for not trying..

    Leese
    me101.wordpress.com

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  7. I agree with Dionne52. I say open up and go with it. I only wish my bio-mom (Drama Mama) would extend herself that way, whether she was sincere or not. At least it's a start.

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  8. I would say just go with the flow but be cautious. It would be easy to be able to work with her of course, but don't let the walls down completely. I treat my relationship with the boys mom as a business relationship because that's the best way for me to approach her because her actions make me so angry at times. Good luck!

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  9. Extend the olive branch with caution. I wouldn't go jumping off the trust bridge. I hope for the kids sakes- that her desire to start acting like and adult is sincere!

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  10. I didn't read this letter as a respite from crazy at all. It was a lot of "don't blame me, I'm a wounded mommy" and no taking of full responsibility like an adult. Toss in the "If anything happens to me" drama, and it reads like any other "pay attention to ME, damnit" crap we get from the BM.

    Honestly, I wouldn't respond at all. Actions speak louder than words. This letter had victim and attention-seeking written all over it to me, but maybe I am colored by the incurable selfishness of the BM in our situation.

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