Greetings. So the husband is considering changing jobs (same field, just different company). The pay would be substantially more than he makes now, which is great for us. We have goals of owning a home and saving for our bio-kids and a raise like this would help us get closer to that. My issue? A raise for him means and 'raise' for the BM in terms of child support. This just blows my mind and I'm almost beside myself with resentment. At this point, it's very likely that he is going to take this job, so I obviously need to get over this. But uggg... it makes my blood boil. It's frustrating to be trying to build a life with someone, only to have to pay his ex-wife's rent as well. And the money isn't even going to the kids - which would make it somewhat better.
So yes, I obviously have some issues that I still need to work out. No one really prepares you to get married and then share part of your household income with another person who you hate. That was not part of thought process. I don't like being so stuck on money, but it's frustrating. I need to be supportive of the husband since he's dealing with a lot, but I can't help getting angry every time he writes a check to her. So to therapy I go with this issue again -- I guess the answer is to just deal with it?
Anyone else been in this situation? With a pay increase for your spouse and the ex at the same time? How did you deal?
Monday, September 13, 2010
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Oh, I don't know - just gouged myself a new ulcer or seven, I guess.
ReplyDeleteBeen there, done that! What we've decided to do is not broadcast the new job to the ex. My husband's ex lives across country so it's a little easier for us, and his other ex (who lives near us) isn't impacted since we have custody of the child they have together and she doesn't pay ANY support (uuugghhhh). Anyway, my husband's daughters (who live across country) are well cared for and already receive a ton in support, and in my opinion, do not need anymore. Besides, the more she wants to fight about more support, the less we get to see them (since any increase in support, means a decrease in disposable income). Lucky for us, the ex's income has probably increased over the last few years too and she's probably worried about having to put her info out there so she doesn't argue too much about it.
ReplyDeleteWhy don't you try laying low about this. It's not her business to know if he got a huge increase or not. Of course she'll probably run to court and try to do a discovery, but just cross that bridge when you get to it. Think positive, the kiddies will grow up, so she won't have a say forever. I have 6 or so years to go and I'm counting them down!
Good Luck to you and the hubby!
I know how much this sucks. When I get pissed about this stuff, I remind myself what my FH told me. "honey, if you think it pisses you off...imagine how pissed I am to work my ass off and look at my take home portion of my paycheck and see how much is going to her." As much as it makes me mad about it coming out of my household, we have to basically only look at his income as the amount AFTER "her" portion. I can't imagine if that was coming out of my paycheck...talk about resentful. FH must be kicking himself in the ass every day about marrying the wrong person. Not only does it hurt him emotionally and with his kids, but also out of his paycheck. I try to just let my anger go knowing it's a billion times worst for him. This is what is called "paying for your mistakes". It sucks, but it won't last forever. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI'm not in the situation where FH has to pay child support because we have the kids full time, but because Jane doesn't have to pay child support my paycheck goes to paying for the kids and everything it takes to raise them. So I can relate in the frustration of wanting to save for this life I've dreamed/wanted but can't because of my husband's past.
ReplyDeleteIt is very frustrating, especially, as you said, when the money does not go for the children. When the BM has ridiculous, high-maintenance hair and new clothes every time we see her, but the kids are wearing pants that don't button because they're too small, yet the BM receives child support in the THOUSANDS every month...yes, that is hard to swallow. I can't fathom that level of selfishness or laziness.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Stepmom In Training. I don't know how much it must bite for my boyfriend to realize what an awful person he had married. It means a lot to me to know everything we have, we earned, and that we make 100% of our decisions based on the kids. That doesn't mean anything to people like the BM, but I'm not responsible for her lack of parenting skills.