So conferences were survived without any nastiness, but there was so much tension in the room. BM didn't greet me at all, so (as usual) I greeted her and asked how she was. I mean, I get credit for trying? Right?
I'm trying to remember to lessons taught in the amazing book No One's the Bitch. It's hard. Like really really hard. I don't know how to reach out. I despise the woman and think that she's a waste of oxygen most of the time, but I have to deal with her. And I have to recognize that what we're feeling is more similar than different - which is hard to even think about. I also have to remember that this is part of what I signed up for. But.... how to make some sort of progress?
I've been considering writing her a letter. Spelling out the realities of our situation: we aren't happy that we have to deal with each other, we probably don't think very highly of each other, but we have three very important people in our lives who have to be our top priority. And while she might think that I don't (or shouldn't) give a damn about the kids because they didn't come out of my body, I do. I love them with every ounce of me.
So this letter is playing around in my head right now. I need to get it out on paper. To see what it's like. To see if the pieces fit together in any sort of coherent way. Also to see if I can keep my rage out of it. I don't have any control over how it's received - but it can't really make things worse... right?
Friday, November 13, 2009
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I emailed my SD's mother. After seeing the wretched stuff she was sending my husband degrading him and his choice to marry me, I got fed up. She blamed anything and everything that was wrong with their child on the fact that he got married to a woman with several children (I have three! Since when is that "several?")
ReplyDeleteIt didn't matter to her that she had been neglecting the child.
I posted the email on my blog if you want to read it. She didn't respond to it when I sent it; she emailed him and said she needed to tell him something "important." He agreed to meet her, and she gave him a copy of my email.
I would advise you to carefully consider not writing her at all. Even though you may be in the right, her reaction can be anything from indifference to open hostility. My husband had to placate her a little, but he backed me up. She basically told him after that I needed to butt out, and she also wanted him to not tell me things she said anymore. Asking my husband to keep secrets from me? Talk about a lack of respect and a slap in the face. Instead of her changing her attitude, she just wants to still be a bitch, just secretly.
I scared the life out of her with my email. She started participating more in her child's life, and the teacher told me straight out that there has been a marked improvement in the child's performance. And yes, the mother's participation started the day after I emailed her.
Being a stepmother is the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life.