In response to: http://labellemereuk.blogspot.com/2010/02/going-over-to-darkside.html
Wow.. after an evening at a school play feeling like an outside (again), this post is making me think... I think that I like to make excuses as to why this could never happen for me. Is it possible? Is there hope for peace? I totally agree with the author that life would be less stressful and easier if there was peace. But really? How? Write an email? Send a letter? I don't even know how to begin. That first step seems like stepping into hot lava.
Part of me wants to act like a child around this, "Why should I have to take the first step? Why can't she?" But that will never get us anywhere. But the risk involved feels too great. I already have massive anxiety surrounding rejection whenever the kids are with her -- do I really want to compound this by making myself even more vulnerable to her (the evil one who I hate)? My mature, Master's in clinical psychology side says to take the risk: write an email. Invite her for a drink. But god - I would so rather drink a glass of poison.
And if it works? What if she isn't as evil and terrible as I think she is? What if everything changes (again)? What if.... nothing changes? I feel like I am waiting for something to happen to signal that it's the right time to approach the beast. The wedding happened <1 week ago, and she's still freaked about that... so waiting a bit would be good (but am I now just making up more excuses)?
I know what the books say. I've read "No One's The Bitch," while agreeing with what they had to say, but at the same time thinking that my situation is soooooo different (it's probably not). *sigh* I don't know what to do around this. I'm so into my story of being the harding-working step-mom who has to pick up the slack of the bio-mom. It's a badge of courage almost - to be helping the kids when their mother fails. And if she's not that bad... then am I not this good?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
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Hug! How good you are has nothing to do with whether she is good or bad. You can be a hardworking stepmom even if she is a great mom.
ReplyDeleteI can only speak for myself when I say that sorting things out with the BM has been the best thing I've done so far. Like you, the hardest thing about being stepmum for me was "the ex" part. And the outsider part too! And I've spent the last 3 years knowing inside that I needed to sort out my feelings about her and that the only way to do it was to talk to her. But I kept putting it off. Fear of rejection and also fear that I might not be able to cope with the changes once they were in place. What if she got to close and I found I didn't like it?!! But to be honest, none of those things have happened and for me it's improved the situation in more ways than I can count. For the first time in 3 years I feel genuinely happy with my lot.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is go for it. You never know unless you try. Chances are she's probably feeling the same way you are!
If you want to talk things through any more, feel free to message me!
Oh and it sounds to me like you are more than good enough!!! You're doing a great job.
LBM xxxxx
I would agree that you should give it a try for sure. I would though also say to have very low (or realistic) expecations so that if it doesn't turn out as good as La Belle Mere that you don't feel as bad. I recently reached out to the BM only to be told that I have no authority and she'll never discuss anything with me. It did give me a chance to say some things that I've wanted to for so many years now, and although my situation isn't a happy drinking wine together one...I feel SO much better that I gave it a try. My fiance knows I tried and will the kids if it ever comes up. You can always read my blog and I just posted an update.
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