Arg. Another situation where it is made clear that I am the outsider. M had her school play tonight, and BM is there (it's her night with the kids). I get cranky anytime that I have to be in the same room as her - I'm edgy and snappy the entire 24 hours prior to any type of meeting. She's the proof, the embodiment of what I am not. I am not their mother. Doesn't matter if I'm a better educator, more consistent, more reliable and a better provider - none of it matters when she is in the room. It's like I disappear. No matter that I might have soothed one of the kids the night before, SHE'S number one. I feel resentful. Part of me want to get grumpy with the kids for ignoring me, but I know that they (mostly E) are aware that their mom is threatened by me. I know that they are just protecting her. But I'm still pissed and hurt. Suddenly because she's around I become a non-human? I feel like I can't feel let down or disappointed, because of course they will choose their mom. So I don't get feelings. I can't share with them that it's hard sometimes or that my feelings were hurt. And I know it wouldn't be fair to tell them either, since they are torn in too. Sometimes I just want to be chosen.
Sorry that this is rambling and I'm sorry if I come off like a bitch. Really not meaning to. It just sucks to get picked last.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
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You're comparing yourself to biomom too much. You are two totally different, separate people. Of course the kids' loyalty is going to lie with their mom when she's in the room, but that doesn't mean they like you any less! It's really not a competition. Trust me - there is plenty of love to go around. You'll get your turn.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean. And it's very hard to be in your spot. No matter what she does she's their mom and you are the step-mom, even if you do take better care of them. It takes a special person to do what you do. And as they get older they will realize who is around more for them. And no, they shouldn't have to choose but they will figure out what each of you means to them. Does that make sense or did I just talk in a circle?
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