challenged

I'm struggling with the husband right now. We keep having the same fight over and over again. While the trigger is different, the feelings and emotions are the same each time. It basically boils down to me feeling lied to because he says that he will take care of something, and then it doesn't happen. When I ask him why something was not done, he doesn't have an answer. He usually says nothing or says that he's getting better at follow-through. Arg. But better isn't good enough. I've asked for more follow-through on his part for over a year and it just doesn't happen. Today - he was all over his to-do list, because he knows I'm angry and tired of it. Which was great, but next week, who knows? I have made it clear to him and our therapist that I don't expect (or even really want) perfection, but that I expect him to follow-through on what he says he's going to do and not take on tasks that he has no intention of completing.

The hard part of all this for me is the way he responds when I bring this up. As previously mentioned, sometimes he doesn't reply to my inquiries about why something didn't get done or he claims to be getting better. He might also mention that he doesn't get recognition for the things that he does do - which is just annoying. If I asked for a pat on the back from him every time I remembered to do something for the family, then he might as well super glue his hand to my back. He doesn't seem to get that there are just some things that you have to do for your family without expecting credit for it. You'd think that he would have this concept down already, as his oldest is 12 yo... but who knows.

I also hear things like, "That's not fair" or "You're being mean." But am I? Am I being unfair or mean? I honestly don't think so. And this is where the crazy-making comes in. I've been going to therapy for more than a decade now, I think that I can identify when I am fooling myself (I also have a therapist and friends who serve as great bullshit detectors). He just gets so defensive. My theory? The honest answer as to why he didn't do something is that it didn't serve him in any way, he didn't get anything out of it, or it wasn't fun. Which is why I sometimes get silence when I ask about things - he doesn't have a good answer. He's blind to this reasoning though, which makes arguing with him like trying to reason with a 4 year old.

Our most recent spat was about thank you notes (I know, I know, lame). I reminded him that he still has some to do from the wedding (I wrote the thank yous to my friends and family, while he was responsible for his). I asked him it he was aware that it was rude to not write a thank you note for the gifts that we were given. His answer: "Well I've never written thank you notes to my family members, I just said thank you in person or over the phone." Ummm some of these people gave us as much as $500, so yes, you do have to write a thank you note. I hated it as a child, but my parents made sure that we wrote thank you notes to everyone, for everything. I have recently gotten back into it as an adult. I also jut had someone comment about how good and sister and I were about writing thank yous, and how much they appreciate it. Anyways, the husband could not be convinced that it might be a good idea to stop whining and write the notes. I think that he will eventually, but only to shut me up about it. Not because he realizes that it's the right thing to do.... arg.

So on top of all this, the husband is setting aside our fight (like we agreed), until Thursday's therapy. BUT at the same time, he's wants to smooch and cuddle like everything is normal. I'm tired of the crazy-making that's going on. It makes me feel like a witch... so I have to step back and try to convince myself that I'm really not asking for that much. And trying desperately to not be my mother... goodness, will that fear ever dissipate?

Off the dinner.... Therapy on Thursday - I'm actually looking forward to it. Sorry if this rambled and didn't make sense, it's kind of what my head feels like.