So let's see how far this post goes. I won't go into the background... at least not now. I can't. But it's brought a lot of truths about being a step-parent to the harsh light of day.
-No one understands. Period.
-I will never be able to tell my step-kids about the things that I gave up. I will never bring my first-born home to a house with just me and the husband. I will never stop explaining who belongs to who etc. I know that they are kids, but sometimes I wish I could just tell them how hard this is.
-I always thought (and I tell the kids this) that if you work hard enough and do your best, you can reach the top. Not so with step-parenting. You will never reach the top. It will never be good enough. You are constantly being judge. You cannot make mistakes.
-It's so tempting to give up. To throw your hands in the air and say "Enough!" If I am making you so unhappy and being too hard on you then I will stop. I will stop asking you to show my your tests from school (and going through the ones you missed with you). I will stop checking your backpack for notices from school that you might have forgotten to give us (because we all know that your dad won't check). I won't tell you "No" when you ask if you can watch TV - I'll just turn it on whenever you want, regardless of whether you are far below grade level at school or not. I won't have high expectations of you. I will be happy with whatever grades you come home with. I guess that means I Will stop being invested.
Now, I realize that all of this isn't their fault. Actually NONE of this is their fault. They ARE just kids. But the hard part, is that I don't have an outlet for my frustrations and rantings (no matter how outrageous or mean they might be). It's just not okay to say. I wish I could tell them how much I love them and that I hate to see them hurt -- AND tell them that this wasn't my first choice either. That life doesn't always turn out how you imagined - but we'll make the best of it.
Arg, I feel like this post is going nowhere. It's like my parenting is being judged 24/7, I cannot make a mistake. Even if I apologize right away. For example (and I am so ashamed to even write this), last week about 20 minutes before the husband was going to drop the kids at BMs, they were driving me crazy. One was kneeling on the top of the couch, others bickering at eachother, and I said, "I really can't wait until you guys leave." *gulp* I know, I know. Terrible. Worst person ever. I apologized a few minutes later, saying that it wasn't an okay thing to say and explaining that I was frustrated and tired. Well... guess who it goes back it? Arg. I can't even apologize and keep things in this house......
Okay, sorry to the two people who will read this. I'm spent. I'm just lost right now.
Friday, April 16, 2010
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Oh, sweet.
ReplyDeleteEveryone feels like that sometimes.
I'm red in the face today because I spent time at a party last night whinging about my oldest stepson and how difficult he is and then found out that she's a newly separated "bio" mum whose ex has a new girlfriend and she got all defensive of her kids.... blah blah blah. We all stuff up sometimes. I often feel like I just wish my stepkids would piss off, quite frankly. Even when they're nice it's so hard.
And I understand exactly what you mean about what you've given up. My stepson is always going on and on about how awful it is to have separating parents, and how I'll never understand, like the sky has fallen on him, until I feel like screaming "You know what? I've given up things in this family too! I've lost lots of things too! Do you think it's frigging fun living with a nasty, sulky, arrogant eleven year old who blames you for everything that's wrong in his life?"
A question though: why is it not ok to say "how much you love them and that you hate to see them hurt and tell them that this wasn't your first choice either. That life doesn't always turn out how you imagined - but you'll make the best of it."
That sounds like a truthful and real thing to say to me - and if you were able to say it like that maybe you wouldn't have your darker feelings leaking out in ways you're not happy with.
What do you think?
Ouch. Sorry you had a bad day. We all have days like that; you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteIf you haven't already picked up a copy of Wednesdsay Martin's "Stepmonster," you should read it. It won't teach you everything you need to know, but it is eye opening. So much can only be learned by trial and error. It's not easy - and I don't envy you starting out with a 12 year old! - but keep your chin up! If you have a husband who supports and loves you, you CAN get through it. Don't be afraid to rely on him. They are his kids, after all.
Oh. I can hear you. There are indeed lots of sacrifices one can make in a blending family. Well, at least you have this blog to bent your heart out.
ReplyDeleteOh, honey we've all said something we've later regretted. Don't beat yourself up so! I agree with Sharon, pick up Wednesday Martin's "Stepmonster" -- it literally changed my life. Being a step mother is the.hardest.thing.I've.ever.done! (and I raised my two alone working 2 jobs 60+ hours a week!)
ReplyDeleteHugs to you!
You know, I'm pretty sure that I've said those exact same things and had those exact same realizations. It never quite feels 100% better but through communicating with your husband about your feelings and by keeping in touch with other stepmom friends it at least helps you know that 1)You're not alone, 2)There are others that understand, 3)You may get some great insight on how to move forward with the stepparent lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone at all - we're all here for you. that will for sure help you get through it day to day if anything.
Please don't feel alone. I have 3 stepchildren, with two different bio-moms and I always feel the way you do. I, however, have decided that I'm not going to give up. I know it's hard, but you've gotta keep pushing. My stepson lives with us full time, so I can't abandon him no matter how bad he or his mother make me feel. When I signed on to be my husband's wife, I signed on to be a stepmom, with all the nastiness it brings. The truth is, these kids need us and they want acceptance just as much as we do. Keep being you. One day they'll appreciate you for it.
ReplyDelete