i feel like i am right on the edge. i don't know what to do. i feel like i'm not understood. apparently i'm throwing a pitty party too.

after last week's mess (BM having a sit down with husband, apparently the two older ones "told" her that they think their dad loves me more than them and that i'm mean and criticism them too much) it just keeps on coming. SD10 is having serious anxiety issues right now, and i'm working with her in a workbook for kids. she tells me that her mom says she doesn't like me, doesn't like me being her step-mom and that they aren't allowed to talk about me in their house. i just listened. while i boiled inside.

i got upset, told husband that i don't want to go to the school's open house tomorrow, i don't even want to be near her. it's so unfair (yes yes i know, life's not fair), so vilifying, totally undermining everything that i do for these kids. so backwards and hurtful. most people would say to ignore it - but it's hard when you love these little people so much and you see someone poisoning them with hate. i have never spoken out of turn about BM in front of them. i have made a lot of mistakes, but i have never done that. i always ask about their time with her, listen to tell describe how their mom told them she doesn't have money. get excited with them when they share that they are getting bunk beds at her house.

maybe someone reading this will understand why it hurts so much. i can't brush it off. i can't let it go. it hurts so much. because i can't defend myself. i can't talk with the kids about what their mother says and why it might hurt me. they love her and are loyal to her. i understand that. but to feel so defenseless. that's the right word. DEFENSELESS. like my back is against a wall, i'm trapped. like i can see the solution but it's not within my reach.

the worst? when i told husband what SD10 said, he didn't believe that BM would do that. he said that he'd confronted her about it and she denied it - so SD10 must be making it up... or something. i couldn't believe it. she lies all the fucking time. he said he even asked her about it when they had their in-person talk last week. she said she has never told the kids that she doesn't like me. lie. lie lie. i got so upset last night. he emailed her again today and confronted her about it. she denied it again and then went off on him. only because of her attack on him did he actually believe that SD10 was telling the truth.

i can't go to the open house tomorrow. i'm too hurt. defeated. crushed. but i'm so sad, depressed, in tears because i will miss seeing the kids rooms, listening to them sing their songs and just miss out. the thought of being there is so anxiety producing, but the thought of missing it hurts like nothing i could have ever imagined. it's like i can't breathe. they are my world. i cannot imagine my life without them. i don't have bio-kids, but they say that you can love them ever more -- i don't think my heart could stand it. i can't imagine loving little people more than i love these three. but i can't continue to be beaten down. it's hard to keep my head up when i can sense the hate from her. when i see them pull back or start to say something that shows they see their mom in her true light.

i just wish i could tell them. that it hurts. that i don't think it's fair. that i wish someone would stand up for me to their mom. but they can't do that - they shouldn't have to. if BM denies it - how do you get around it? should i just get over it? should i ignore it? something about this hurts way too much to be able to brush it aside. i can feel this cold, aching depression sinking in on me. it's like a ton of bricks sitting my chest. suffocating me. crushing every bit of energy out of me. i don't know how to move out from under it. it's like i said above: i'm trapped under this feeling. i don't see any way of getting around it. i don't know how to repair this tear in my heart. nothing in my psychology training has trained me for this. i can help SD10 with her anxiety, ask the right questions and guide her to feel better. but this? this is insane.

i don't WANT to leave. i don't WANT to give up on this marriage. i don't WANT to give up on the kids. i'm here because i want to be. this is where i belong. i know that. i just don't know how to get out of this corner.

i started Stepmonster last night, at the suggestion of many of you. it's amazing. but hard to read. it's like a voice is shouting from a megaphone: "you're not crazy! these things are happening to you! stick with it!" and while that's helpful... i'm not unstuck.

husband is not getting me at all right now. i ordered him his own copy of the book. let's see if he actually reads it. it's like, as all of this comes to a head, he's suddenly lost any sense of what i'm going through. telling me to calm down. that i'm having a pity party. are you kidding me? i keep telling him that he has no idea what it's like for me, and he insists that he does. seriously? something is seriously wrong here, because he doesn't have a clue.

i need him to do something. call her on her shit. go get some counseling with her. because things are not working. at all. she's poisoning them. i want to scream at her "what the hell are you doing?! you think this is a good idea?!" and i can't do anything. i can't stop it. i won't be able to stop the eventual realization that they all have about her either. i can't save them, i can't rescue them. their parents made terribly shitty choices with their lives and these three have to pay for it.

and i can't explain this to the kids. i can't tell them why i am so sad. i can't be authentic with them, which is what i always prided myself in being. i answer the tough questions. i talk about sex, drugs and alcohol when they ask. i don't shy away from the messy things. but i have stayed clear of undermining their mom. it's like this line that i cannot cross. no matter how much i want to.

husband has stormed out of the house - again. awesome. i suggested to him that she was still controlling him and he didn't like that. but it's true - he's afraid of her. he says he can't do anything. he says that he's defended me. he says he'll make an appointment with a mediator and change the child support settlement. he doesn't he won't. we'll keep paying her too much in child support, while she works less than 40 hours a week. she'll continue to bash me in front of the kids.

blech. this sucks.